Monday, January 26, 2009

Vivienne: Redux.

As many would have noticed, I had taken down the donation drive notices. It has been an embarrassing situation for me, and I cannot tolerate my conditions any longer. It had come to a point that I rather die in dignity than to ask like a beggar. It is better to receive without asking. And I realize too that many friends are distancing themselves from me, and I have no complaints about that. I always remember the saying of my ex-boss, who is one of my closest friends, that money destroys friendships. It is becoming true for me and my friends. I do however, wish to point out that I will still treasure the moments I was saved from falling down.

It has also come to my attention that there are some quarters that had been bad mouthing me. I have no qualms about that, because I do know that time will prove everything wrong, and that those who really know me would be sticking by me and those who do not would reject me. God knows how I am feeling right now, because I no longer know who my true friends are. But I do know that I still have love and support from my real friends.

In the period of half a year my weight ballooned 15 kg. I became somewhat an alcoholic. I abused my body by beating myself up, crashing my skull against the wall. I cannot sleep. I live with so many regrets, too many dramas, than I can actually take. I am lonely, and depressed. The only thing I still managed to maintain is my celibacy. Other aspects of my life crashed. But the love that all my friends shared with me kept me alive. So I offer my sincere thanks and gratitude to all of you, foreign and local. I will remember all of you.

The ghost of Yuki’s past came into my life. He went all the way to kick start my life. I learnt the true value of being human, and to minister to other humans. He also reminded me of the pain and suffering I got from not accepting myself the way I am. And from the dangling rope of near utter disaster he pulled me up. And make sure I have the spirit to move on. Then, came the ghost of Yuki’s present. He too supported me for the past one month. He pushed me to continue on my journey, and made sure I am free from some of the burdens that befall me. He never gave up, always giving me hope that I needed.

As fast as both came, for some reasons they are gone, and they suddenly became not contactable. I was involved in a near fatal car crash a few days back, and even though it was a shocking experience for me leaving me having some sleepless nights, I started appreciating my life a bit more. I had attempted to take my life so many times but God just do not wish me to come home just like that. As such, I am waking up to the reality that there are so much to do in my life. And new adventures and dramas are coming in.

The ghost of Yuki’s future then appeared. The answer lies in her. Yes, I remember her. With her I was confident, sexy, always having a never say die attitude. She was slim, pretty, intelligent, eloquent, an example of a good transitioning transsexual female. When she was with me, we shared many journeys in our lives, some incredible moments that one cannot possibly imagine. But I hated her because I blamed her for being so stupid believing in the wrong man. I cannot take it that she had been so unprepared for the things that happened, all across the Chonburi debacle. I wanted her out. So I killed her off.

But Viva returned to me that day when I was nearly flung out my car. She reminded me to be accountable to all the beautiful angels that came my way; one that got me a project job, one that is determined to put me on the Malaysian map, one that accepted me into the girl’s circle, one that spares me the occasional aid… there are so many angles around me. She reminded me that there are so many people who cared for me, and now that I am standing, it is time I start running again. Now I realize. Shit happens and no one can be blamed. Then a call came in. It was my ex-boss Gerard.

“Vivienne! Where are you? We are waiting for you to play cards at the factory.”

Vivienne. She is here with me. She is alive to answer the call. She is here to stay with me, and tell me it is time for me to be whole again. And with the faith and love all of you gave to me that had carried me throughout these months, I now know I must go on and fly. I believe that is the best gift I can give to all of you. And I will pay this love and friendship forward. I thank all of you for bringing me through. I am strong again. I cherish all of you for reminding me my worth and quality of life. And most of all, thanks for bringing Vivienne back.

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