Monday, June 30, 2008

A Song For Me And My Husband.

This is perhaps the most fitting end tribute for us.
The definitive song in the marriage saga of
Sam Luke-Anthony Davies and Vivienne Yuki Choe-Davies.
Here is for our separate lives and futures,
whatever and wherever it may be. Cheers.

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long

Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments, who can tell?
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well

Wasn't it good?
(Oh so good)
Wasn't he fine?
(Oh so fine)
Isn't it madness he can't be mine

But in the end he needs a little bit
More than me, more security
(He needs his fantasy and freedom)
I know him so well

No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide

Looking back I could have played it differently
(Looking back I could have played things some other way)
Learned about the man before I fell
(I was just a little careless, maybe)
But I was ever so much younger then
Now at least I know I know him well

Wasn't it good?
(Oh so good)
Wasn't he fine?
(Oh so fine)
Isn't it madness
He won't be mine?

Didn't I know
How it would go
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart?

Wasn't it good
Wasn't he fine
Isn't it madness
He won't be mine?

But in the end he needs a little bit
More than me, more security
(He needs his fantasy and freedom)
I know him so well

It took time to understand him
I know him so well



(Yuki Choe will be back)

Life After The Chonburi Debacle.

These should be my last posts from Thailand as I am going home in the next day or two. It has been a great stay here. But the wounds still remain. Today is supposed to be the day I have my Sex Reassignment Surgery. I soaked in tremendously hot water in the bathtub of my hotel room to try to drown the pain. I drank beer, smoked, slapped myself, scratched my face and done almost everything to forget this fate.

It is going to be mid year starting tomorrow. And what a half year it has been. I lost my dearest sister and beloved husband in this period. I cannot stop forgetting the fact that they are now out of my life. It sickens me to the bone that I could lose two of the most integral characters in my life in such a short span of time. Life really sucks.

Lose this boy, lose that girl and still being bodily incomplete. I wonder if God really made this happen, or is it our human choices to inflict pain and despair on others. Is it the need to satisfy one’s sense of self bringing total destruction of another’s emotions that had invested feelings of love even for such a short duration of coming together as people in love. Or is it in the end something that was never meant to be in the beginning. Questions are tiring. Perhaps, it is time to tell them goodbye.

I say goodbye to my sister. Once I call a person who is not my flesh and blood my sister, it sticks in the most depths of my spirit. I was there to be her listening year and protector. I introduce her to all my finest friends with happiness. I am not able to help her pay her rent because it is beyond my abilities, but when she has no food to eat I never failed to feed her. I am supposed to be bridesmaid which is why I came back.

Sadly the was wedding never going to happen because she left her fiancée and ran away with another man away from ones who love her the most, including me. She never treated me as a sister in the end, likewise even my ex-boss who treated her like sister too. Instead I heard she is even ashamed of me being a transgender. She went all ways of using me to hang out. With full bag of sadness I bid goodbye to her.

I say goodbye to my husband. Once I call a person my husband even when not married, I become a hyper faithful creature and love freak. I would exhibit all the photos I have to the world to tell them how great and handsome my boy is. I do not know how too cook, but I always make it a point to wash his dishes even though I was blamed for wasting water. I am supposed set up his life which is why I am there.

Sadly the marriage seemed never meant to be because of his insecurities. He misunderstood me a lot in the end and even though I tried, I failed in teaching him how to love a woman. He seemed to think I am cheating. I slowed down my life and became a simple girl for him. Spending 14 years living in a box called Jehovah’s Witness really wrecked all his potentials. With heart of full grief I bid goodbye to him.

I forgive them. I forgive her, I forgive him. You may ask me, “How can you forgive such people” if you know them even better. But I do not wish to let anger consume me anymore. Forgiveness is not about forgetting, but to let go of the hurt caused by them. It makes me feel better to move on with my life. I really need to. I believe everything happens for a reason, be it God, fate or even the destiny of our choices.

They have their reasons for acting out in such outrageous fashion. My sister was sexually abused by her father. And virtually ignored by her mother. My husband was mentally abused by his mother. And virtually had an alcoholic father. I believe these things affect people, especially when they are not mature enough to handle it. I am lucky to escape all of these. I was brought up to be tough and strong. I learnt to have courage even in the face of fear. And my past made me sharp and experienced. Tomorrow is going to be the start of the second half of the year. These last months had been made of nightmares. My future is now gone, but let us see what I can do.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Promises, Promises.

I made a lot of promises in my life for the past two and a half years I am out. Some were fulfilled, some were on hold, and some were broken. Now that I am into my renewed life, there are some issues I need to address. I felt I have failed to keep some promises to myself. And since my estranged husband has decided to leave me, there are promises I feel comfortable of breaking, especially now that I have given up on ever finding a life partner (yes, never, I have had enough of relationships).

One of the most prominent promises I broke was on the day Sam was mentioned as not minding losing me forever. I smoked again. And it felt horrible. The Sex Reassignment Surgery and Sam was the biggest reasons why I decided to stop it, and with something strong to hold on to it was so easy to do. The first cigarette really knocked me out of the situation where I was crying inconsolably. It was such a dizzying experience I felt I was going to faint. Now that I have smoked a pack a day, I realized how good it feels to quit. I felt fresher and healthier almost immediately. Perhaps all the more reasons I should quit again. I believe I could draw inspiration to do it, now it is only for me.

The hardest habit to break is probably over eating. I am still missing my 65kg frame and I am past 80kg now. Couple the recent shock and despair with delicious Thai food, I am eating very well over. It is true what they say that when a girl is suffering from heartbreak, one of the first things she thinks about is food. I have eaten so much rice it pains me, because I know all the carbs are going to deposit into fat. But somehow, I find another inspiration. I never dropped to less than 60kg. Sam hugged and kissed a 77kg girl. So it makes me happy to give myself a body Sam never had. But it is not only because I am angry, I am starting to feel the immense pleasure of getting a nice body just for me.

The most important promise I will keep however, is fulfilling my own promise of getting a job. It is all suppose to start at October this year, three months after my surgery. I can start much earlier now, but with some limitations of corporate options because the surgery is not available for me for the time being. I am considering getting back into pub line, but I do know at times my body is just not able to take it. I also bear in mind that drinking is fattening, and being in an environment of people that smoke will surely give me a huge temptation to smoke everyday. I may consider an option too in writing, for I already have some recommendations. But I am without a laptop.

Besides that, it is in my intentions to break the pride in being not a stereotypical girl. Some do like my tough iron lady personality who does not wear make up. But to survive in this world where men like to stereotype, sometimes we ladies do have to conform (which goes back to my plans of being slim). One of my friends told me, “There are no ugly girls, just lazy ones”. In effect, I noticed people do find me more attractive in make up then without. I present an old lady look I kept ever since I was engaged with Sam. But I remember the days when I am single, every time I go out with a fancy dress and a little make-up, men swoon all over me. So this is a new promise, to start managing my appearance.

Another new promise would be to start appreciating my father more. He had an eye on every relationships I had previously right up to my husband. If I had listened to him I would not have gotten hurt so bad again and again. I guess it is good that instead of planning a month’s trip to Darwin on Christmas, I probably would now spend those times with my Dad. He is great, and I was really inspired to call him on Father’s Day last month because of his love and acceptance of me.

All in all, it is time now. I am not getting any younger and it is time to make something out with my life. Perhaps it is God’s will to remove all my distractions, however hurting living without them may be. There are so many more promises I had never kept, like to be a vegetarian and to learn the Thai and the Filipino language. As I return to Malaysia with some change of plans, self-control and discipline is vital. I break promises again and again in the past it is getting me pissed off with myself. I really cannot afford to let anyone tell me I cannot do it all, even myself, especially if I hunger for that better quality of life.

By the way, one promise I shall gleefully break. I will stop mentioning I am married, and start saying I am single. Perhaps with that contentment of having someone to love and to be loved all gone, I can start paying attention to loving myself and God only. I have decided, and I am ready.

Starting Over.

It has been a real painful experience for me the past few days. Someone once said to me, as surely as a boy will mention a thousand reasons why he loves a girl, surely too a boy will mention a thousand reasons why he must ditch a girl. We were hoping for days where playboys were able to play with words saying stuff like, “It has nothing to do with you, it has something to do with me”, that people would follow suit. Unfortunately, some people (like my husband) would always succumb to the temptation of self inflated egoistical denial and play the blame game coupled with lame excuses. He had become the worst of my exes this way and totally went down on my estimations.

Perhaps the best way he could have done it is just say, “Sorry babe, cannot be with you anymore”. But it started with “hung up from my mother” and “inability to communicate with humans”, and swiftly when I reached Chonburi, Thailand for my Sex Reassignment Surgery it evolved to “I cannot stand your abuse” (bear in mind I am in Malaysia and he is in Australia, we hardly talk on the phone because of costs) and “I cannot afford you” (huh? It took him 6 months being married to me after agreeing on my allowance and some assistance on personal financial issues for him to figure out?).

After he deliberately denied me of my Sex Reassignment Surgery (for reasons unknown to me when everything we were working on is towards it), I received a lot of sarcastic remarks from friends as well. From, “Next time plan better!” (Should I have planned on losing my husband?) to “If he ever comes to this country, I will make sure not even a single bone will return to Australia” (Excuse me, but I myself would be afraid to get too close to this friend) until “Does that mean I can date you now?” (Sorry, but at least for a long time I would not be in the mood for dating). Funny indeed.

But the crux of the matter is 1) I lost my husband 2) I lose my chance of a Sex Reassignment Surgery. God knows how painful it is to lose both together at the same time. I am even feeling my heart jingle jangling inside as I am writing this. I have not even got the chance to show my husband to my friends. And I have so many things planned for him and me months after the surgery. But something that could have ended so beautifully between us became a tragic story of my life. No wedding at the church (It evaporated anyway the day he became native White Hopi), no grand wedding dinner in Malaysia (It is suppose to blow up the stances of the churches in Malaysia). And again, no SRS.

He knows pretty well how much SRS means to a girl like me. Being able to change the gender marker in my identification card, having the dignity to go to a ladies spa and be naked, less job discrimination etc. Yes, there would be complications, but the positives would be so, so much. And he suddenly decided to take it away from me. If that is the case, I wish it was much, much sooner rather than 5 days before I go under the knife. That is not only cruel. It is also disrespectful. What caused these drastic changes, I would never know. But what I learnt? Only laymen blame women.

I still suspect it is his mother brainwashing him about the “dangers” of being with an Asian women. Or perhaps it is the hot and humid weather in Darwin getting to him? We were both greatly under pressure throughout the last couple of months leading to the surgery. Or perhaps becoming a White Hopi had made him unable to respect his woman? Thousands of questions and thousands of excuses are on show. But one thing is for sure, I cannot forgive him for leaving me like this. The staff nurses at the clinic even mentioned to me, “We told him, if you do this to Vivienne, do you know you would lose her forever? Do you really want this?” He said. “Yes”. That is so crazy. I could not believe it.

I have stayed faithful to him even though there were other suitors, celibate until the day I unwrap my Christmas 2008 gift to him. Even when my father questioned the legitimacy of his love for me I defended him to the end (now I have to apologize to my father for his ‘I tell you so’). I spent so much money trying to fix my face for him to see. I was even planning on braces. I have done endless explaining why he is not with me in Malaysia. I even have to cover for him when most of my friends asked the same question “Why is he not with you for the surgery!”. Well, now we know why. Because he was not even interested in having me do it in the first place. So at one go, I lost two of the most precious happenings in my life. All at once caused by a person who claims to “love” me.

I am going to return to Malaysia soon. Same old, same old. However, some things will change and some will not. I probably have to change to another location to stay and start early looking for a job now, still I have to live with the pain of having a dick. But one thing that came out good from the situation is I am back in control now. I no longer have to bother about him when making decisions or doing something. I have my freedom, that is more important than everything he had given to me. I do not dare dream about prince charming anymore. But I do know in time, I will be involved in a lot of open relationships just for fun; and I will rise again from all this despair, and unimaginable hurt.


But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!

- from Rocky Balboa (2006)