Sunday, June 29, 2008

Promises, Promises.

I made a lot of promises in my life for the past two and a half years I am out. Some were fulfilled, some were on hold, and some were broken. Now that I am into my renewed life, there are some issues I need to address. I felt I have failed to keep some promises to myself. And since my estranged husband has decided to leave me, there are promises I feel comfortable of breaking, especially now that I have given up on ever finding a life partner (yes, never, I have had enough of relationships).

One of the most prominent promises I broke was on the day Sam was mentioned as not minding losing me forever. I smoked again. And it felt horrible. The Sex Reassignment Surgery and Sam was the biggest reasons why I decided to stop it, and with something strong to hold on to it was so easy to do. The first cigarette really knocked me out of the situation where I was crying inconsolably. It was such a dizzying experience I felt I was going to faint. Now that I have smoked a pack a day, I realized how good it feels to quit. I felt fresher and healthier almost immediately. Perhaps all the more reasons I should quit again. I believe I could draw inspiration to do it, now it is only for me.

The hardest habit to break is probably over eating. I am still missing my 65kg frame and I am past 80kg now. Couple the recent shock and despair with delicious Thai food, I am eating very well over. It is true what they say that when a girl is suffering from heartbreak, one of the first things she thinks about is food. I have eaten so much rice it pains me, because I know all the carbs are going to deposit into fat. But somehow, I find another inspiration. I never dropped to less than 60kg. Sam hugged and kissed a 77kg girl. So it makes me happy to give myself a body Sam never had. But it is not only because I am angry, I am starting to feel the immense pleasure of getting a nice body just for me.

The most important promise I will keep however, is fulfilling my own promise of getting a job. It is all suppose to start at October this year, three months after my surgery. I can start much earlier now, but with some limitations of corporate options because the surgery is not available for me for the time being. I am considering getting back into pub line, but I do know at times my body is just not able to take it. I also bear in mind that drinking is fattening, and being in an environment of people that smoke will surely give me a huge temptation to smoke everyday. I may consider an option too in writing, for I already have some recommendations. But I am without a laptop.

Besides that, it is in my intentions to break the pride in being not a stereotypical girl. Some do like my tough iron lady personality who does not wear make up. But to survive in this world where men like to stereotype, sometimes we ladies do have to conform (which goes back to my plans of being slim). One of my friends told me, “There are no ugly girls, just lazy ones”. In effect, I noticed people do find me more attractive in make up then without. I present an old lady look I kept ever since I was engaged with Sam. But I remember the days when I am single, every time I go out with a fancy dress and a little make-up, men swoon all over me. So this is a new promise, to start managing my appearance.

Another new promise would be to start appreciating my father more. He had an eye on every relationships I had previously right up to my husband. If I had listened to him I would not have gotten hurt so bad again and again. I guess it is good that instead of planning a month’s trip to Darwin on Christmas, I probably would now spend those times with my Dad. He is great, and I was really inspired to call him on Father’s Day last month because of his love and acceptance of me.

All in all, it is time now. I am not getting any younger and it is time to make something out with my life. Perhaps it is God’s will to remove all my distractions, however hurting living without them may be. There are so many more promises I had never kept, like to be a vegetarian and to learn the Thai and the Filipino language. As I return to Malaysia with some change of plans, self-control and discipline is vital. I break promises again and again in the past it is getting me pissed off with myself. I really cannot afford to let anyone tell me I cannot do it all, even myself, especially if I hunger for that better quality of life.

By the way, one promise I shall gleefully break. I will stop mentioning I am married, and start saying I am single. Perhaps with that contentment of having someone to love and to be loved all gone, I can start paying attention to loving myself and God only. I have decided, and I am ready.


Christine Bakke said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for all of this. You are in my thoughts...and I don't say (or mean) things like that lightly (ask Peterson).

Christine (from beyondexgay)

Christine Bakke said...

By the way, "Now the cards are on for a bigger challenge; to earn back her dignity lost, to start standing up to be counted as a woman, and to finally learn to love herself more."

This resonates with me. Wishing you all the best as you come into your own power as a strong, beautiful, lovable, and loving woman.