Sunday, June 29, 2008

Starting Over.

It has been a real painful experience for me the past few days. Someone once said to me, as surely as a boy will mention a thousand reasons why he loves a girl, surely too a boy will mention a thousand reasons why he must ditch a girl. We were hoping for days where playboys were able to play with words saying stuff like, “It has nothing to do with you, it has something to do with me”, that people would follow suit. Unfortunately, some people (like my husband) would always succumb to the temptation of self inflated egoistical denial and play the blame game coupled with lame excuses. He had become the worst of my exes this way and totally went down on my estimations.

Perhaps the best way he could have done it is just say, “Sorry babe, cannot be with you anymore”. But it started with “hung up from my mother” and “inability to communicate with humans”, and swiftly when I reached Chonburi, Thailand for my Sex Reassignment Surgery it evolved to “I cannot stand your abuse” (bear in mind I am in Malaysia and he is in Australia, we hardly talk on the phone because of costs) and “I cannot afford you” (huh? It took him 6 months being married to me after agreeing on my allowance and some assistance on personal financial issues for him to figure out?).

After he deliberately denied me of my Sex Reassignment Surgery (for reasons unknown to me when everything we were working on is towards it), I received a lot of sarcastic remarks from friends as well. From, “Next time plan better!” (Should I have planned on losing my husband?) to “If he ever comes to this country, I will make sure not even a single bone will return to Australia” (Excuse me, but I myself would be afraid to get too close to this friend) until “Does that mean I can date you now?” (Sorry, but at least for a long time I would not be in the mood for dating). Funny indeed.

But the crux of the matter is 1) I lost my husband 2) I lose my chance of a Sex Reassignment Surgery. God knows how painful it is to lose both together at the same time. I am even feeling my heart jingle jangling inside as I am writing this. I have not even got the chance to show my husband to my friends. And I have so many things planned for him and me months after the surgery. But something that could have ended so beautifully between us became a tragic story of my life. No wedding at the church (It evaporated anyway the day he became native White Hopi), no grand wedding dinner in Malaysia (It is suppose to blow up the stances of the churches in Malaysia). And again, no SRS.

He knows pretty well how much SRS means to a girl like me. Being able to change the gender marker in my identification card, having the dignity to go to a ladies spa and be naked, less job discrimination etc. Yes, there would be complications, but the positives would be so, so much. And he suddenly decided to take it away from me. If that is the case, I wish it was much, much sooner rather than 5 days before I go under the knife. That is not only cruel. It is also disrespectful. What caused these drastic changes, I would never know. But what I learnt? Only laymen blame women.

I still suspect it is his mother brainwashing him about the “dangers” of being with an Asian women. Or perhaps it is the hot and humid weather in Darwin getting to him? We were both greatly under pressure throughout the last couple of months leading to the surgery. Or perhaps becoming a White Hopi had made him unable to respect his woman? Thousands of questions and thousands of excuses are on show. But one thing is for sure, I cannot forgive him for leaving me like this. The staff nurses at the clinic even mentioned to me, “We told him, if you do this to Vivienne, do you know you would lose her forever? Do you really want this?” He said. “Yes”. That is so crazy. I could not believe it.

I have stayed faithful to him even though there were other suitors, celibate until the day I unwrap my Christmas 2008 gift to him. Even when my father questioned the legitimacy of his love for me I defended him to the end (now I have to apologize to my father for his ‘I tell you so’). I spent so much money trying to fix my face for him to see. I was even planning on braces. I have done endless explaining why he is not with me in Malaysia. I even have to cover for him when most of my friends asked the same question “Why is he not with you for the surgery!”. Well, now we know why. Because he was not even interested in having me do it in the first place. So at one go, I lost two of the most precious happenings in my life. All at once caused by a person who claims to “love” me.

I am going to return to Malaysia soon. Same old, same old. However, some things will change and some will not. I probably have to change to another location to stay and start early looking for a job now, still I have to live with the pain of having a dick. But one thing that came out good from the situation is I am back in control now. I no longer have to bother about him when making decisions or doing something. I have my freedom, that is more important than everything he had given to me. I do not dare dream about prince charming anymore. But I do know in time, I will be involved in a lot of open relationships just for fun; and I will rise again from all this despair, and unimaginable hurt.

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