Monday, June 30, 2008

Life After The Chonburi Debacle.

These should be my last posts from Thailand as I am going home in the next day or two. It has been a great stay here. But the wounds still remain. Today is supposed to be the day I have my Sex Reassignment Surgery. I soaked in tremendously hot water in the bathtub of my hotel room to try to drown the pain. I drank beer, smoked, slapped myself, scratched my face and done almost everything to forget this fate.

It is going to be mid year starting tomorrow. And what a half year it has been. I lost my dearest sister and beloved husband in this period. I cannot stop forgetting the fact that they are now out of my life. It sickens me to the bone that I could lose two of the most integral characters in my life in such a short span of time. Life really sucks.

Lose this boy, lose that girl and still being bodily incomplete. I wonder if God really made this happen, or is it our human choices to inflict pain and despair on others. Is it the need to satisfy one’s sense of self bringing total destruction of another’s emotions that had invested feelings of love even for such a short duration of coming together as people in love. Or is it in the end something that was never meant to be in the beginning. Questions are tiring. Perhaps, it is time to tell them goodbye.

I say goodbye to my sister. Once I call a person who is not my flesh and blood my sister, it sticks in the most depths of my spirit. I was there to be her listening year and protector. I introduce her to all my finest friends with happiness. I am not able to help her pay her rent because it is beyond my abilities, but when she has no food to eat I never failed to feed her. I am supposed to be bridesmaid which is why I came back.

Sadly the was wedding never going to happen because she left her fiancée and ran away with another man away from ones who love her the most, including me. She never treated me as a sister in the end, likewise even my ex-boss who treated her like sister too. Instead I heard she is even ashamed of me being a transgender. She went all ways of using me to hang out. With full bag of sadness I bid goodbye to her.

I say goodbye to my husband. Once I call a person my husband even when not married, I become a hyper faithful creature and love freak. I would exhibit all the photos I have to the world to tell them how great and handsome my boy is. I do not know how too cook, but I always make it a point to wash his dishes even though I was blamed for wasting water. I am supposed set up his life which is why I am there.

Sadly the marriage seemed never meant to be because of his insecurities. He misunderstood me a lot in the end and even though I tried, I failed in teaching him how to love a woman. He seemed to think I am cheating. I slowed down my life and became a simple girl for him. Spending 14 years living in a box called Jehovah’s Witness really wrecked all his potentials. With heart of full grief I bid goodbye to him.

I forgive them. I forgive her, I forgive him. You may ask me, “How can you forgive such people” if you know them even better. But I do not wish to let anger consume me anymore. Forgiveness is not about forgetting, but to let go of the hurt caused by them. It makes me feel better to move on with my life. I really need to. I believe everything happens for a reason, be it God, fate or even the destiny of our choices.

They have their reasons for acting out in such outrageous fashion. My sister was sexually abused by her father. And virtually ignored by her mother. My husband was mentally abused by his mother. And virtually had an alcoholic father. I believe these things affect people, especially when they are not mature enough to handle it. I am lucky to escape all of these. I was brought up to be tough and strong. I learnt to have courage even in the face of fear. And my past made me sharp and experienced. Tomorrow is going to be the start of the second half of the year. These last months had been made of nightmares. My future is now gone, but let us see what I can do.

No comments: