Monday, May 17, 2010

Discovering Sexuality.

Just after midnight crossing into Saturday the 10th of April 2010, something happened that changed my life by many degrees, and also challenged my perception of myself sexually. It was then I noticed how emotionally immature I am in handling relationships, and realize who I would like to spend my life with. I have never been comfortable with my own skin but that couple of hours of passion opened my eyes to see my comfort zone.

That one night stand left me into such emotional wreck, longing for something more when the other party specifically just wanted someone for the night. I never felt such tingling sensation in my heart looking at the person walking away to the car after that event. It made my bed smell of roses in love. It made me special. It also made me feel like a virgin woman. I still do not like sex but I finally am hooked to being with someone.

That someone identifies as a butch. And that made me check on my history. My first girlfriend when I was boy-acting, is a boy to me. Then my ex-fiancee is a tomboy. My ex-husband is a trans man. That night, I realized that if anything made me a lesbian, it was that pleasure, that insane passion that chewed my heart into bits. It was not the sex. It was the warm feeling of being comfortably naked, and with someone I really love. And everything about it is right, the moment, the timing, the kiss, and of course, the person.

It was made to last for one night. She does not want anything more than that. And I do not blame her. She knew I wanted more. So she goes back to her life with her girls and partying along with her career, and I am stuck with myself after giving her the last piece of me that I can ever give to anyone. I cannot handle the emptiness and the loneliness, the kind that I have never experienced. I have so many friends around me, yet I feel so void.

Many other thoughts came across during the past one-month plus. More regrets of my teenage years when I forced myself to conform to the expectations of church, friends and family of me to be a boy, based on their transphobic whims that affected my growth. As a Christian I grieved my soul, as a daughter my suffering to be a son was less important as my filial duties, as a friend no one truly understands the pain of living against who I am.

I conclude that I am emotionally stunted and only recently started to work on myself in that area. Almost a decade of suppressing my female identity led to no growth at all spiritually and emotionally. I was literally a zombie living life at another dimension. It was only when my soul returned home after I started transitioning that I am growing again emotionally. I cannot take the fast love and fast break up with her. My brain is clear but my soul responds childishly. She broke a 24-year-old heart in a 34-year-old woman.

I always assumed I am asexual who is bisexual by attraction, but I never had people of any sexual orientation haunt my mind like strong lesbians do. I never knew such feeling of misery now that we are staying away from each other. It is the sum of all the scars I have ever experienced when loving women like her. And this loss is still an open flesh wound that is poured salt and iodine over and over again, and it still would not let me go.

Commitment is no longer something I frame myself into since the best woman in my life is now officially gone and ignoring me away. There are no signs that she will ever be strong and mature enough to handle a commitment anyway. Even if she does, the damage between us is done though I already dedicated a space in me for her for the rest of my life. Or she may be with another girl. Watching her grow and spending life with her is now a dream. I may probably be the only idiot who would still love her once she hits 50 plus and all wrinkled. But I will always love her, and hope she gets the life she wants.

I now crave for the other component part of the night that I got. I no longer want any emotional attachments. I want to be caressed again. I want someone to be on top of me once more. I want to feel the pleasure, the touch, the strength and the kiss. That hard but sweet smooth kiss that I never got when I kissed a man. The gentle heartbeat my body feels when we were close. The warmth from her hot blooded body holding me so tight.

Yes, I like being with a butch lesbian. That soft skinned cream pie with strong arms to keep me entertained. Now I have another strong reason to get my Gender Reassignment Surgery done as soon as possible, to really slim down and take care of me. Perhaps when a butch digs into me later, I will no longer be an asexual and may even like the sex. I crave the sensation of having a bold, authoritative, strong woman on my side of the bed. In my soul, I know I can never love anyone again, so all I will do is just close my eyes.