I will be starting work real soon with a lot of thoughts on my mind. The journey to un-glutton myself have already started, thanks to the inaccessibility of Chinese food this season. I had eaten too much Indian-Muslim food that I now loathe another taste of it. I believe I had enough of going out and I am ready to thrust myself more onto my bed. The car accident really changed my personality. I seem to have become less afraid of cockroaches, able to brave myself to spray them to death and use a sweep to get them away. And I am more at peace with myself and able to get more sleep. And I am ready.
Again, yes, I am ready. But I should not tell you what I am ready for. I am already fad up with always placing expectations on myself that seem to fail. So I will just keep quiet and let my body do the magic, step by step. I am happy today. I saw the Barclays Premier League table this morning, and with my favourite team facing Everton while Liverpool and Chelsea squaring off, a draw for the latter will cap my Chinese New Year season. This season had been one full of moments with great reflecting. There are people still trying to coerce me to be a “boy”. Some are still scrutinizing me because I am transsexual.
Yeah! Manchester United FC is on top and clear with a game in hand! Hurrah!
But hey, I got a great gift today! I spent some time with good friends who care for me. And tomorrow I will be spending a lot of time alone. I am dreaming of Tata Young! Why? You will all soon find out within the next couple of months when I turn 33 (Oops! I outed my age). But I feel strange these days. Usually, I will feel tired of living and find myself old and almost all used up. But somehow I am looking forward to being well into my 30s and still feel young. I wonder is it because I am with a bunch of younger writers in Tilted World. Or maybe I have been mixing around with a lot of young girls.
Or perhaps I was staring up above the beautiful Petronas Twin Towers and remembered that moment years ago when I first went there. I recall what I had set out to do with my life. Transsexual advocacy is a losing fight in this country. But there are some ways to move forward. And if I am able to get people to progress a step ahead in the realization of the truth about transgenders and transsexuals, which consist 2% of the world’s population with sexual ambiguities whether chromosomal, psychological or biological; and developing understanding while breaking some underlying myths about us, then I can finally proclaim at my deathbed that I have lived. Being buried “Female” would be cool too.