I have spent a lot of years in my life chanting “amen” from my mouth and praying every day during my teens, enthusiastically seeking the everlasting God, my Abba Father. Looking for His will, I discovered this:
I asked God for success in my education.
I asked God to get me a girlfriend that I shall get married to.
I asked God to make me handsome.
I asked God to grant me a masculine body.
I asked God for a great job.
Goodness, I asked God for almost everything in my life.
Mostly, I even asked God to change my gender to match my sex, so that I may be normal in society's eyes.
He did not answer a single prayer above.
If somewhat miracles do happen, I somehow knew it was me who wanted to believe it, not God’s work.
So I stopped praying and retracted my "amen".
After that, God answered and fulfilled my real needs. He even accepted me as His daughter.
Later, I asked God why He did not answer me the last time, but He answered me now.
He said it is because when I asked for all those things, I did not love myself. I wanted all those things so that I could love myself more, wanting acceptance from friends, longing for approval from Him.
But when I stopped asking, I started finding ways to love myself more, and as I let myself be, I grow.
If I do not love myself, how do I claim to love God? If I have to ask God’s help for my friends to take me in, then who is God? So when I started loving myself, He can work on me, to make me really complete.
From that point, God gave me all the opportunities to be who I am as a female, rather than a plastic boy.
Earlier this week, I let my pal Catherine have a look at my photo during my boy-acting days. She was shocked. “You look so much better now”! I smiled. Because I knew it was already written, I am and shall be, a woman. God never forsaken me. It was I who forsake myself the last time.
My most beautiful days came, because I know love. It is easy claim prayer and say "amen". It is very difficult to realise that "amen" only happens when you let things be, and prayer is not supposed to be self-serving but for the benefit and truth to mankind for everyboy's happiness and well being. The only point of prayer and "amen", is to love people as God made them, as you love yourself. There will always be friends and false witnesses around to lead you astray. People always want what validates their own sense of self. God always want what validates our existence especially in the capacity of love. We all should just let LOVE be our guide.