Friday, October 9, 2009

Finding Peace.

I am not at peace with myself. I guess that is one thing I need to settle. Problems of the heart are so difficult to solve. The stress of it gives me so much pain; some physical and some emotional. It causes my migraines, headaches, arrhythmias as much as it causes my breakdowns, tantrums and irrational behavior. This morning alone, a few things happened. I am already under pressure to come to work early, so when I am late again and I have to spend a bit on a missing car plate before arriving to the office it is hurting that my direct boss is so sarcastic about it. Someone went the wrong way of traffic and still point a middle finger at me as though I am in the wrong. My father and I had another argument again. And my anti-depressants are affecting my job, as I discovered after talking to my big, big boss.

Am I so weak? Why do I crumble so easily? Why am I so upset? Why am I so angry? Things and situations can affect me so much. Even the mention of my husband is enough to get my blood pressure rising so fast no medication can stop it. And yes, medication. I have become a medication junkie. There has not been one day I have spent that is not supported by pills since my husband left me. Why am I such a weakling? When can I face life with the toughness I have seen in my other sisters? How do I achieve peace in my heart. I feel so sick, so bad, so frustrated, so lonely right now. I need to find a solution to these matters of the heart soon or I would probably lose my job, my friends or worst of all, lose my life.

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