Living Leona: Sex.

As promised, the first in a series of previous archived blog entries by Leona Lo, a good person I am proud to call friend. I have always found her words to be direct and thoughtful in nature and respect her tremendously as a writer. In this brief post: She explores the taboo subject for most transsexuals: Sex.
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Sex. For too long it has been a "taboo" subject for transsexual women. As a result, we have been subjected to either caricaturisation in the mainstream media or prurient debates on our body parts. Some of us have gone to the extreme of pandering to voyeuristic stereotypes of the tranny performer, playing to the hype of the transgender goddess, while others have fallen prey to tranny chasers who enjoy the secret thrill of having sex with a strikingly tall and attractive transsexual. Regardless of the approach - the end result is the same: we have been ruthlessly and relentless exploited to fulfil the warped sexual fantasies of men.

Sex. We too crave sexual fulfilment. And it's time for us to be fulfilled on our terms. I don't know who you are or where you are, but it's ok to have sexual desires. it's ok to want to look attractive. Sex is only "dirty" when they say you shouldn't enjoy it on your terms.

Two Months Ago: Another Transgender Found Dead.

This news was on the Malay newspapers like Utusan Melayu, but there were hardly any reports of this on the English dailies, except for a small mention here in the Malay Mail. This happened last August 24th, while we were preparing for our national day celebrations. And this should make it three press reported transgender deaths in Malaysia, and as I found out last weekend, many do go by unreported in the media.

It seems when the body was found she passed as a female, therefore there were no questions as to who she is. And since she does appear female, it is probably safe to say she is a classic transsexual female. Until of course when they realized by fingerprints that she was a “male” they prefer to categorize her in the wrong gender. She was a regular drop-in at the PT Foundation transsexual programme centre and from there I can confirm that she is post-SRS. Even the people at the TS programme found it disturbing.

My emotions ran very high when I came to know about this at the centre last weekend. It is already very saddening that she had to endure a life full of challenges as a transsexual female, but she ended up getting killed while being just who she is. And even in her grave, she has to endure more insults by being addressed with the wrong pronouns, her identity mis-gendered and being called even in the title of the news, "man in woman’s clothes". It was not a nice way to die, to have her lifeless body chucked into a pool. Instead of letting her rest in peace, the press in Malaysia still wish to conform to their retarded ignorant dogma.

It was only about two months back that she died. But she will be remembered. And many more of us will stand up and tell the world: We exist. We deserve life. Stop disrespecting the dead. And stop the killing.

(The story is amended to reflect the correct gender identity of the victim. Please support TDOR 2009)

Body of transgender woman identified

THE body of a transgender woman found inside a water retention pond at Jalan Air Tawar, Air Panas in Setapak two days ago, has been identified as Kanan a/p Muthiah @ Suppiah.

The 42-year -old transsexual female with shoulder length hair was identified from her fingerprints as her personal documents were missing. Sentul district police chief ACP Zakaria Pagan said her last known address was 282-B, Batu 21/2, Jalan Ipoh, Kuala Lumpur.

When police conducted a check at the house, it was occupied by a family that does not know anything about her.

“We are urging her family members or friends to come forward to facilitate police investigations into her murder. So far nobody has come forward with any information,” Zakaria said.

Those who have information about her or the murder can contact ASP Aziz of the Sentul district police headquarters on 03-2610 2222 or 019-9280024.

On Monday evening, the trans woman's body — clad in a blue T-shirt and a purple dress — was found floating by an angler who went fishing at the pond.

Police believe she was murdered elsewhere and dumped into the pond.

Ten Things I Think Of First In The Morning.

I checked on it this morning, and it is something to examine myself with. So here it goes:

1) My handphone – Is it on snooze?
2) My lamp – Is my lamplight still on?
3) My handphone – Surfing the net to check e-mails, news and new blog and website posts.
4) My work – What is there to complete today, and about work outstanding since yesterday.
5) My bathroom – I really should clean it up because it is starting to get dirty, I cannot stand it.
6) My time – I must complete my time in the bathroom within 10 minutes or I will be late.
7) My breakfast – What and where should I pack today; deciding between a light meal and rice.
8) My presentation – What should I wear to the office today and should I put on my make up.
9) My room – Did I leave anything behind; making sure the air-conditioning and lights are off.
10) My path – Which way should I get to work; fast path with toll or slow path without toll.

I wonder whether everyone's list is almost similar to mine? ^.^

Loving God Means Loving Me.

I have spent a lot of years in my life chanting “amen” from my mouth and praying every day during my teens, enthusiastically seeking the everlasting God, my Abba Father. Looking for His will, I discovered this:

I asked God for success in my education.
I asked God to get me a girlfriend that I shall get married to.
I asked God to make me handsome.
I asked God to grant me a masculine body.
I asked God for a great job.

Goodness, I asked God for almost everything in my life.

Mostly, I even asked God to change my gender to match my sex, so that I may be normal in society's eyes.

He did not answer a single prayer above.

If somewhat miracles do happen, I somehow knew it was me who wanted to believe it, not God’s work.

So I stopped praying and retracted my "amen".

After that, God answered and fulfilled my real needs. He even accepted me as His daughter.

Later, I asked God why He did not answer me the last time, but He answered me now.

He said it is because when I asked for all those things, I did not love myself. I wanted all those things so that I could love myself more, wanting acceptance from friends, longing for approval from Him.

But when I stopped asking, I started finding ways to love myself more, and as I let myself be, I grow.

If I do not love myself, how do I claim to love God? If I have to ask God’s help for my friends to take me in, then who is God? So when I started loving myself, He can work on me, to make me really complete.

From that point, God gave me all the opportunities to be who I am as a female, rather than a plastic boy.

Earlier this week, I let my pal Catherine have a look at my photo during my boy-acting days. She was shocked. “You look so much better now”! I smiled. Because I knew it was already written, I am and shall be, a woman. God never forsaken me. It was I who forsake myself the last time.

My most beautiful days came, because I know love. It is easy claim prayer and say "amen". It is very difficult to realise that "amen" only happens when you let things be, and prayer is not supposed to be self-serving but for the benefit and truth to mankind for everyboy's happiness and well being. The only point of prayer and "amen", is to love people as God made them, as you love yourself. There will always be friends and false witnesses around to lead you astray. People always want what validates their own sense of self. God always want what validates our existence especially in the capacity of love. We all should just let LOVE be our guide.

Video: Secret.

One of the funniest stuff I have seen this past year. I really have a new appreciation for Adam Sandler. Except for some stupid and disgusting moves on his movies, he really makes us laugh!

Finding Peace.

I am not at peace with myself. I guess that is one thing I need to settle. Problems of the heart are so difficult to solve. The stress of it gives me so much pain; some physical and some emotional. It causes my migraines, headaches, arrhythmias as much as it causes my breakdowns, tantrums and irrational behavior. This morning alone, a few things happened. I am already under pressure to come to work early, so when I am late again and I have to spend a bit on a missing car plate before arriving to the office it is hurting that my direct boss is so sarcastic about it. Someone went the wrong way of traffic and still point a middle finger at me as though I am in the wrong. My father and I had another argument again. And my anti-depressants are affecting my job, as I discovered after talking to my big, big boss.

Am I so weak? Why do I crumble so easily? Why am I so upset? Why am I so angry? Things and situations can affect me so much. Even the mention of my husband is enough to get my blood pressure rising so fast no medication can stop it. And yes, medication. I have become a medication junkie. There has not been one day I have spent that is not supported by pills since my husband left me. Why am I such a weakling? When can I face life with the toughness I have seen in my other sisters? How do I achieve peace in my heart. I feel so sick, so bad, so frustrated, so lonely right now. I need to find a solution to these matters of the heart soon or I would probably lose my job, my friends or worst of all, lose my life.

The Star Acknowledges Transwomen, Then Trashes Them Again.

After publishing a series of thoughtful and educational articles regarding transgenders last Sunday on StarMag, The Star is back at their usual ignorant best by publishing an article riddled with poorly defined male pronouns and addressing an obvious transsexual as a transvestite (crossdresser).

KUALA TERENGGANU: A transvestite has resolved to start life anew away from prostitution after a painful fall left him bedridden for a few months.

The 30-year-old, who called himself Farisha, was with a group of transvestites at the Jalan Petani flats here early Saturday morning when a parang-wielding man ran amok.

It is learnt that the man went berserk at about 2.30am because of a strained relationship with one of the transvestites in the group.

The transvestites ran helter-skelter to escape the man.

Farisha slipped and fell 30m from the second floor of the flat.

He sustained a serious rupture on the spinal cord and fractured his left leg. Doctors said he needed several months to recover.

When met at his home in Kampung Paya Bunga here, Farisha admitted that he had gone to the flats to wait for clients.

“It was sheer bad luck. I was not supposed to be there because I had already finished my ‘duty’, but I decided to hang around with the others,” he said in a sombre voice yesterday.

Farisha had been reluctant to be interviewed at first, saying the public would not sympathise with someone like him and his occupation.

He said he had always known he was a girl trapped inside a boy’s body.

“I am fond of using female clothing. I get infatuated with guys,” he said.

He said he found it difficult to obtain jobs because “people found me too soft, too girly.”

“I took to selling my body. I have to care for my aging mother who lives with me,” he said, adding he could earn up to RM50 a day by entertaining clients, mostly youths.

His said his three elder siblings were also facing financial difficulties, and the family had lost touch with another brother after he left to work in Kuala Lumpur.

Farisha said he worked briefly in London and Sydney as a striptease artiste, hoping to earn enough to start a business.

However, he claimed the money was exhausted after he spent it for his mother’s treatment. His mother, Haminah Mat, 69, had come down with a serious ailment a few years ago.

After his recovery, Farisha said he hoped to work as a model or a deejay.

“All I ask is to be given a chance. Don’t look at me as a strange creature, but instead, see what I can do,” he said.

Look through it, as The Star insisted on presenting the already badly injured lady as a "male" to the world. Observe the wordings used in bold, like the word “claimed” to imply that she may be lying and not trustable with her statements and that "his" name to describe her identity is not real; worst of all demonizing her again and again calling her a transvestite.

It is so ironic. Among the brilliant articles last Sunday, it includes one on the correct terminologies to use when describing transgenders. It is so unfortunate that while they went their way to educate the public, they fail to educate themselves. Or perhaps writer R.S.N. Murali should take a peek at Sunday’s stories about trans people before jumping in and insultingly refuse to acknowledge their gender identity? I really wonder if The Star is seriously attempting to prove themselves the backward people’s paper, or they are just are too foolish and have no integrity in reporting. Perhaps the “man” R.S.N. Murali would like me to address her as, well her? Because today "he" has invalidated our womenhood with his narrow bigoted mind.

Some Unpleasant News Regarding My Estranged Husband.

This came in today on the commentary section of my older post about my husband and Jehovah's Witnesses:

Robbie/Rachel was picked up by the health department of Darwin. They were in shock because Robbie/Rachel was stuck in the wheel chair...the flesh and the chair had grown together as one. He had to be airlifted to a special hospital. Sam was not allowed near Robbie for a while. Not sure what the update on either is now. Authorities were called because we felt concern for Robbie's safety. It seems Sam had been taking Robbie's government checks and spending it on other things besides on Robbie's care. The government is trying to track his spending.

I find this very disturbing. Robbie/Rachel (Sam's ex-wife who is a trans woman inflicted with cerebral palsy) was supposed to be the only friend Sam's got left. I must admit I am worried for both of them. I am already prepared to reject looking backwards and stare forward into my new life, but the mystery surrounding Sam whom the last time I spoke to him was still hooked on UFOs and Hopi Prophecies, continues to bother me a lot. The rational man I married is getting more and more distant in my memory and what is left are bits and pieces that are unexplained. Was his rodent business failing? Was it Rachel's money (that he claimed was used to pay the rent) actually spent on me? What happened when our housemate left? Where is Sam right now?

His website is no longer active and his personal blogsite has not been updated for more than a year, his last post being about UFOs. He should have gotten a chunk off the money he placed on my operation back, and he was doing fine with his rodent business when I left back to Malaysia. I do not know. My world collapsed after he dumped me in Thailand. And I do not know what to do with this emotional baggage. I mean, whatever happens, even with mightiest of promises he broke, I only have one husband. But I am confused, as what Sam told me was that the Darwin government was doing a bad job for his ex-wife, which was why she was staying with us. And we are not divorced yet.

I hope this is not a practical joke. I appeal to "Lex Talionis", whose blogger profile is disabled, and the rest like "damn right" and "Acquaintance of Sam", to please come forward and tell me more on what is going on right now. I came so far to let him go and out of my life to move on, but I find this situation confusing. Yes, I do hate him for what he had done to me, but he is the only man I ever once loved.