I spent these last couple of days before today trying to find some reason as to why it so difficult to find someone to be with on Valentine’s Day. As I came upon the answer that relates to my existence as a transsexual female in Malaysia, I do keep on wondering whether there will be some semblance of a relationship later in my life. I watched two movies the past two nights. One was “Sex And The City”, the other “Bridget Jones Diaries”. Both the main characters of these movies endure confusion and hurt, but the ending is all of the same. They both find love.
Carrie Bradshaw is into labels and love living in the fast lane strutting away with her designer shoes and elegant dresses, while Bridget Jones is a mess of cherry pie proportions in weight with alcohol and smoking problems to boot. Both ended up with the right man at the end, and the love story continues for them. And I wonder, what about me? Straight men are literally shallow enough to assume my gender on the basis of a mutation between my thighs, so they would be fearful of starting anything with me. If the men are gays they would want me to keep my exoticness by holding on to that mutation itself, which is a cancer to me everyday of my life.
Lesbians would target femmes, and I am just not that. So my choices are really few and far between in a country where most men are afraid to even chat me up over coffee as friends. And I am definitely not good enough for the women. So where does that leave me? I do not know actually. Since my husband left me with my op cancelled to be with his ex-wife, I opted not to get into a relationship. I usually tell my friends that the hurt of being out of love so many times, goes into an increasingly boring schedule, that the next broken relationship would not end with that much pain. But who I am to kid?
The more relationships I have been through, the more my heart was tortured and broken, leaving some scars that will be there for the rest of my life. And I really felt it more on every passing Valentine’s Day. Tonight, a lot of couples will be out on the ultimate, albeit expensive date. I would probably be at the Annexe Gallery in Central Market for Amir Muhammad’s book launch, then later listening to crooners like Shannon Shah singing all those torch songs. Those with partners will usually spend time with each other at home after tonight, in bed probably. And I will surely go home to a soulless room with nothing but my friendly radio on Lite FM. It is a sickening experience. I admit it. I need to love and to be loved by someone.
Everybody that is still single would be partying away at some club somewhere, and still looking for love. Some are even in open relationships; I guess it is better than being alone. But I guess no one would realize how lonely I am now, craving for something that is already very hard to get. The hunger pangs to be hugged by a partner who loves me just the way I am, and whom would just want the relationship to be just about the both of us. No more will I ever want a man telling me that he wants a “discreet relationship”, or a woman telling me I am just not “femme” enough. I am a girl, and transitioning more and more into ladylike-ness. I deserve the same opportunities as everyone else to find love. Sadly, I have a feeling some of my closest friends are actually facing an end to their relationships, just as I am hoping to start mine.
So where does that leave me? Are relationships really that important? Yes it is. We all need the right men or women in our lives. We hope to have that one faithful life companion, that would be with us in times like Valentine’s Day. Richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse; that may not cut it anymore. What is important is respect. Understanding. LOVE. I am growing a faith that I will find it one day. But I know I do have to start somewhere, so as the ever failing but trying Bridget Jones would always do, I must diligently keep track of these:
Cigarettes: 12. Alcohol: (No opportunity, good). Weight: 81.5kg, 1kg up (ok, no more Bah Kut Teh and Sweet Sour Chicken Rice, will walk to Kelana LRT today instead of taking bus). All else fails, find someone that loves me just the way I am. Or pray for The One to come soon.
The lovebug is here. Come and get your love, wherever you are.
Carrie Bradshaw is into labels and love living in the fast lane strutting away with her designer shoes and elegant dresses, while Bridget Jones is a mess of cherry pie proportions in weight with alcohol and smoking problems to boot. Both ended up with the right man at the end, and the love story continues for them. And I wonder, what about me? Straight men are literally shallow enough to assume my gender on the basis of a mutation between my thighs, so they would be fearful of starting anything with me. If the men are gays they would want me to keep my exoticness by holding on to that mutation itself, which is a cancer to me everyday of my life.
Lesbians would target femmes, and I am just not that. So my choices are really few and far between in a country where most men are afraid to even chat me up over coffee as friends. And I am definitely not good enough for the women. So where does that leave me? I do not know actually. Since my husband left me with my op cancelled to be with his ex-wife, I opted not to get into a relationship. I usually tell my friends that the hurt of being out of love so many times, goes into an increasingly boring schedule, that the next broken relationship would not end with that much pain. But who I am to kid?
The more relationships I have been through, the more my heart was tortured and broken, leaving some scars that will be there for the rest of my life. And I really felt it more on every passing Valentine’s Day. Tonight, a lot of couples will be out on the ultimate, albeit expensive date. I would probably be at the Annexe Gallery in Central Market for Amir Muhammad’s book launch, then later listening to crooners like Shannon Shah singing all those torch songs. Those with partners will usually spend time with each other at home after tonight, in bed probably. And I will surely go home to a soulless room with nothing but my friendly radio on Lite FM. It is a sickening experience. I admit it. I need to love and to be loved by someone.
Everybody that is still single would be partying away at some club somewhere, and still looking for love. Some are even in open relationships; I guess it is better than being alone. But I guess no one would realize how lonely I am now, craving for something that is already very hard to get. The hunger pangs to be hugged by a partner who loves me just the way I am, and whom would just want the relationship to be just about the both of us. No more will I ever want a man telling me that he wants a “discreet relationship”, or a woman telling me I am just not “femme” enough. I am a girl, and transitioning more and more into ladylike-ness. I deserve the same opportunities as everyone else to find love. Sadly, I have a feeling some of my closest friends are actually facing an end to their relationships, just as I am hoping to start mine.
So where does that leave me? Are relationships really that important? Yes it is. We all need the right men or women in our lives. We hope to have that one faithful life companion, that would be with us in times like Valentine’s Day. Richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse; that may not cut it anymore. What is important is respect. Understanding. LOVE. I am growing a faith that I will find it one day. But I know I do have to start somewhere, so as the ever failing but trying Bridget Jones would always do, I must diligently keep track of these:
Cigarettes: 12. Alcohol: (No opportunity, good). Weight: 81.5kg, 1kg up (ok, no more Bah Kut Teh and Sweet Sour Chicken Rice, will walk to Kelana LRT today instead of taking bus). All else fails, find someone that loves me just the way I am. Or pray for The One to come soon.
The lovebug is here. Come and get your love, wherever you are.
*** HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY 2009 ***
3 comments:
You left a beautiful comment on a friend's blog so I followed you "home" to say "Thank you"...I hope you don't mind!
I think your beautiful words give a glimpse of a soul and a heart that anyone would be lucky to love! Though it's hard to have patience as you watch those around you with their partners and seemingly already "living the dream", yours is out there somewhere and you can't just "give up"!
alan
Thanks for your sweet encouragement. In a world like today, everyone is in a negotiation over something. But it is really nice for someone like you to drop by and give me inspiration instead. One thing that I learnt from my favourite movie "Music and Lyrics". And I am sure you have a good heart to love too. Thanks for dropping by, Alan!
Hope that you are able to find happiness.
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