I will remember this year’s Valentine’s Day season. I thought it will be a terribly depressing one for me, but it ended up a blast. My night started out badly; the bus did not show up and I ended up missing the entire book launch by Amir Muhammad. But I got to watch the Torch Song Massacre at Annexe. The show was fabulous, as the complete massacre of Torch Songs brought about the most intelligent idiocy I have ever encountered. I enjoyed every second of the parodies, the compelling songs, the Rihanna tribute and the laughs.
I met some new friends like JP and Su-Ann, and realized there are differences to be acknowledged with old friends. But the moment of the day was when Ahmad Azrai played boyfriend to me for that few fleeting moments; spending me drinks, holding me and letting me sit on his lap. I get the feeling it was awkward for him, but it was so sweet of him to do so anyway.
The show was fabulous, and it was a pleasure sharing the stage,impersonating a hysterical Panda Head Curry (definitely one of the most entertaining bands I have ever seen) fan alongside Gabrielle Chong, who did her best straight-girl-desperately-wanting-to-get-close-to-her-idol impression ever (I did not even realize that there was actually a zany sense of humour in her! She was fab!). Jerome Kugan sang a beautiful tragic song, before making a comedic mess called Umbrella, with Chung Wei dancing away with an actual umbrella.
From the beginning of the song, wishing you BLOOD, till Shannon Shah singing Intergalactic Romantic Failure, it was truly a night to remember not only for the songs, but for the incredible people I met there that night. Gabrielle was the friendly face I needed; JP, Su-Ann and Azrai soothed my heavy laden heart and Su-Ann attempted to hijack me for dinner. Chung Wei and Jerome Kugan even attempted to sneak me into Marketplace which ended in failure. That was really so sweet of them all. I went home alone with the longest smile I have ever performed for a long, long, long while.
The Valentine’s Day experience did not stop there. Lainie Yeoh and me had a conversation for more than an hour on our handphones the day after, and that was the first time I actually hung on the phone for such a long period for ages. After the conversation I headed to lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening hanging around Bintang Walk, Times Square and later One Utama. And there I was, thinking of all the blessings I have got. I realized now that even though I am single, my Valentine’s gift was FRIENDS.
I have made so much mistakes in making friends and having to much expectations on them. Looking for friends for me is like looking for a job. I somehow always manage to find the wrong ones or never find any on my own. I am always bad in directions and always looking at the wrong places. The result is often me meeting people who try to “change” my gender, unable to give me a listening ear, condemn me at every opportunity for things that are not my fault, complain about me complaining too much, always judgmental of me etc. In the end, I realize I am just not significant enough in their lives.
But I should not have placed any expectation on them. No one is going to understand what it means to be clinically depressed and being a classic transsexual. No one is going place their ego down and talk to me at my level. No one is going to be ultimately truthful. No one will take me seriously of my suicidal tendencies. No one will love me, unless I love myself. And in order for to find that love, I need people around me who do not attempt to adopt their standards on me, rather I need friends that love me just the way I am.
That is so ironic. I mentioned needing someone to love me just the way I am in my previous blog post. But I already have friends who do so. And they made my Valentine’s season so special. I have to accept there will be people who will not like me, and I should draw the line with them. For those who like me, I must cherish them and grow up with them in our lifetimes. There will be friends that will crush you and demonize you, and friends that build you and inspire you. It was funny that I had that conversation with Lainie about negotiation and inspiration. I cannot forget the latter. That is because I find inspiration in my true friends. You know who you are. Thank you for loving me.