I have an unusual feeling today. I suddenly am able to pump some petrol into my car, reload my almost out of credit handphone and fix my two pair of shoes at the cobbler. I also finally went to the clinic to check on the bruising blood clot I got on my right thigh since a month ago. And tomorrow, instead of starting work first, I plan to go to the University Malaya Medical Centre (okay, I admit, I am finally seeing a shrink for my depression, please support me and do not think I am crazy or something. Hope it is cheap, and non-discriminative too). If everything goes well, I will start work right after Hari Raya.
And I am here updating my blog. And I must admit, I owe all these positive movements to some of the readers and friends from Tilted World. This is all grace actually, I do not deserve any of this; not when others like me are being killed by hate crimes at an alarming rate across the globe. Not when others like me around the world are still being victims of stigma and discrimination, that causes them to be without choice but to turn to the sex trade as an extra income, especially those transwomen of colour. Being in such conditions before, I admit I am not that strong. And I do still reserve many thoughts to them.
The truth is I feel shy and embarrassed with this donation drive. This is my first time I come out like this, seeking mercy at the hands of people I do not know so well. But the responses itself was surprising, all of the donors were supportive and non-judgemental of me, and they do not make me feel like a beggar. And most of them are writers and bloggers too, mostly advocates of free speech with some concentrating on a single issue like human rights while some go into multiple issues that stretches into politics. And reading their blogs before, I know these are trully experienced people I can learn from.
After an active day, and then another one tomorrow, I know I would be fast broke again. But it is important for me to solve my immediate issues, and perhaps in these two days of Hari Raya holidays, I can really consider whether I really wish to go into home loan insurance line full force, or to seek a stable good income employment as one of my friends seriously advised me. Perhaps it is just the part of me that just wants to fight back, pulling myself together through this period of depression and trying to put up a big direction; to save as much money as possible soon for the full Sex Reassignment Surgery.