While We Are Living, We Never Realize How Minute We Are.

At times, even as we seek faith to feed our emotional needs, the evidence and reality of something bigger, so much bigger and light years beyond our wildest imagination had always been there. What do you do, when in the end we are nothings. We may boast of a great Islamic God or a mighty Christ Jesus, we may be proud to be part of the biggest nation in the world or someday one of us may even hold the key to control the earth, whether in economic or political terms. One of us may even be the richest human being in the world. But then thinking about this: we are but a tiny mega-micro planet in a huge space of tenths of billions of light years with stars; now every single thing fades away into irrelevance and obscurity. Everything; and every single noise here ends up just silent in space, and all the struggles we face just seems buried underneath all the stars above, all the movement here, from violence to actions from religious extremists, they become invalidated by space out there. And if the earth is swallowed by a black hole tomorrow, the universe would not bother, while all that we believe as the human race gets swallowed in too. If you really listen at night, looking up; though small, you feel there is a kind of peace.

It reminds you that while the world is big, it is still a speck of dust among galaxies. For every world that ends, one is born. We are insignificant to the universe, but at least we are witnesses to it.

Some Random Thoughts In My Mind.

Malaysia is a backward country. I am proud of most of Malaysia, I really am. But it does seem to me in the eyes of most of this country, I am a “neither here nor there” or “it”; or worse a “boy” who dresses up as a girl. All my life I since I was born I knew I was different, I knew I am a girl. I knew I am not a normal girl. What I did not know was how difficult most of society would find to accept me, or even come to terms with who I am. And terms like “woman trapped in a man’s body” are so alien to me. More than a third of me am female, still I do not understand why the wrong descriptions are used. Let alone the labels.

Trans 101 is not difficult to understand, unless you do not wish to think about it. It is tiring to explain to people on this condition I am born with, especially when people still are fixated on a sex organ as the marker for gender. And a reassignment surgery is called “mutilation” by narrow-minded individuals, without realizing how cancerous something that does not belong to your body is to your soul. Many do not understand the intense distress I have waking up in the morning knowing exactly my person, and the struggles to get the reflection on the mirror to represent who I am correctly. I have a very hard life.

Yes, my life is supremely difficult. That shows it is not a choice that I am born a female this way. From what I have learnt, I know how to answer all the questions about me. But when some bigoted individuals cannot answer me in the light of reality and science, they use their belief and religious faith to get an extra mileage on the discussion. However, there lies the problem. Now that what you see in front of you, is an existing being and the truth that other possibilities can happen on sex and gender, and that you can examine me in the strictest of scrutiny as possible and still find me real; how are you going mold me back into your books? How are you going to get the sun to travel around the earth because the Bible says so?

I have nothing against anyone. I respect every individual. I do not discriminate anyone or harm anybody. So when I hear again and again the same echo-holic chamber members resounding the same fallacious arguments, with the same stubbornness to listen and accept, the same remarks that are a long way in describing who I am; it really makes me dizzy. I just want to let myself go, leave it and let live and move forward in life. I do not expect life to give me an easy time, but it is okay, that is life anyway. What I am asking for is the decency to know me, the pure me, before you judge me; eventhough your opinions on my sexual identity may be irrelevant, then at least treat me with the same measure of humanity that I share with you and everyone.

What's On Yuki's Mind: Stress, De-stress And No Stress.

I noticed there is still a steady stream of visitors to my ranting space here, and I would like to thank everyone for letting me be part of your lives. I realized I have not been blogging for almost ten days now, and in the blogosphere it is a very long time. I have been under tremendous stress lately, which stems from my job and my environment. I do admit too that I am developing an obsession for my work and my weight, and both come with specific line of targets. I also noticed I am getting messy and clumsy, and having a bad sinus infection going towards last weekend did not help. I also banged the sides of my car twice while going to the parking area of my office these past 2 weeks. Yes, it has been a bad 2 weeks.

I will attempt to put Leona’s slot in soon too, and I do apologize for not doing that last week as I had to rest at home. Having read her latest blog entry in regards to the benign cyst within her breast, a lot of worries came to mind. As a transsexual female, I would face the same risks and challenges, and I do admit that my lifestyle habits like consuming alcohol places me in a position where danger lurks in the future. And I have very little cash to do regular medical checkups. But I guess in the end, moving on with life with a positive mind helps, and it starts by getting stress out of my life. And of course, exercise and water is always essential.

I never let situations bog me down before, and life does attempt to knock me down again and again. However, I should remind myself that I am still standing. Many would not stand by me, but at least I would learn how to stand alone. I am not exactly everyone’s favourite person, and as a transsexual there will often be bias, even from some quarters of the LGBT community. But looking at the mirror, if there are transsexual lives to affirm or to save, the first one should be the girl on the reflection. I should also recognize that stress kills. Because just like you are what you eat, you also are what you think. Having said that, I am not going to let all these situations keep me down. I will get on up, and keep on moving, as I always will.

"Living Leona" On The Box Of Chocolates.

I am pleased to announce that starting from this weekend (with permission from Leona Lo), I will be publishing Leona Lo’s articles and writings from her archived past blog site and media as a weekender edition here at Yuki’s Box Of Chocolates for the benefit of transgenders especially transsexuals here in Malaysia. “Living Leona” would be a selection of Leona Lo’s thought provoking and sensitive expressions in words. I share her views on most issues pertaining to our community. I am proud to be her friend. :- )

The Best From The Archives Of "The Journey Of Yuki" - Dr. Andrea Macari On The Ex-Gay Myth.

"Reparative pseudo-therapy (ex-gay ministries) is based on no science whatsoever", says Dr. Andrea Macari, a leading authorative source in psychology.



"It is essential that if you are gay, you go to a therapist who is trained in dealing with these types of issues, who has a clear understanding of where they stand when it comes to issues of sexual orientation. Otherwise you have the person's own stigma, own prejudices, coming in the way of your therapy and that is the last thing you want to do."

Question and Think next time you plan to bring someone (or someone asks you) to go to an ex-gay ministry or a reparative therapist.

Which is myth and which is truth? Just one example will do.

The American Academy of Pediatrics
The American Counseling Association
The American Psychiatric Association
The American Psychological Association
The National Association of School Psychologists
The National Association of Social Workers
and others:

"477,000 health and mental health professionals, have all taken the position that homosexuality is not a mental disorder, and thus there is no need for a “cure.” "

"the idea that homosexuality is a mental disorder, or that the emergence of same-gender sexual desires among some adolescents is in any way abnormal or mentally unhealthy, has no support among health and mental health professional organizations."

This is the current medical and scientific psychological opinion.

Ex-gay ministries would have you believe that this is created by a pro-gay "agenda". It is so easy to believe them if you share their dogmatic musings and shallow minds.

But think for a moment, would it be much easier for about 95% of the heterosexual population of the world to pressure these medical professionals to change the stance?

Even the 35% percent of the Christian population of the world could do that, right?

But no, there is no "agenda" that created such strong stance from these experts of their field; it is born of decades of pure peer reviewed research and studies. Even the 1,000 plus NARTH tried to change this last year by annoying the American Psychological Association (APA) but unfortunately they would not budge.

Because everyone now knows this is the TRUTH.

"As these statements make clear, health and mental health professional organizations do not support efforts to change young people’s sexual orientation through “reparative therapy” and have raised serious concerns about its potential to do harm."

Check out stories on Beyond Ex-Gay on those who have gone through ex-gay ministries and other reparative therapy methods and survived the experience. Some are even the former leaders of such ministries in the past, but had made public apologies since. Maybe it is time for the current leaders to admit their white lies.


Published in "The Journey Of Yuki" on Friday, May 2, 2008
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New Update:

In a latest resolution by the American Psychological Association (APA), after reviewing most all the evidences and researches from all sides throughout the decades, the APA now strongly uphold this:

Please read the brief on this at XGW.