Cigarettes: 0 Alchohol: 0
I do find significant improvements to my health these days. But still my financial situation continues to worsen. I have totally lost options for myself, and I do know friends are getting exhausted of me. It is understandable, since I have only risen a bit since last year’s horrendous personal crisis. I feel much better now emotionally, with the occasional anger and bitterness showing as I tackle the cold calling in the office. I am still very much excitable and my blood rate is still running high. I am still struggling.
Financially I am nearly bust again. Sales line is really taking toll on my car because of petrol, along with the fact that I am driving a Proton Wira that is Auto, a terrible car for sales people who are always travelling. SMS-ed some of my friends for help, but as the replies come with either silence or sorry, this time I know I am on my own. I am however, still thankful for the assistance till now, and count them blessings, big or small. I have no right to make my problems, anyone else’s. I am considering the most stupid things to do in order to keep my job. I love my job; I know if I screw up there would not be another opportunity like this.
Yeah, I am on my own. I knew that once I could not gather a counter voice response from the community for an upcoming anti-gay conference. Now the voice of my friend at PT resounds loud and clear to me. There is no semblance of a community in Malaysia. I have not seen one true LGBT activism work towards sensitizing our issues other than Sexualiti Merdeka. Other than that, it is all just plain marketing and parties at clubs. I see myself standing beside images of gay men, lesbian women and transsexuals just living their own lives as they see fit and contented. I see no one beside me now to create awareness, countering dogmatic views from the public and the church, and to fight for a better future for all of us.
It always has been a lone journey, I guess. Everyone would believe their own issues are of most importance, and only speak up according to their own interests and things that relate to them. I have supported and am willing to speak up for all and everyone’s issues pertaining to the LGBT community, to realize that no one bothers about the ex-gay and trans issues I often fight for. It is disappointing. Perhaps it is a reflection on the friends I have now, and the serious trouble I am facing. They have their problems. I have mine. But as I seek to help people all the way I can, I cannot expect anyone to ask me when my last meal will be. That is a question I have to ask me, reply, then settle it myself most of the time. Your life should revolve and concern only yourself.
That is I, not we, and not you but me. And the truth hurts more when it is really L G b... (t)....