Another New Beginning For Me?

I have an unusual feeling today. I suddenly am able to pump some petrol into my car, reload my almost out of credit handphone and fix my two pair of shoes at the cobbler. I also finally went to the clinic to check on the bruising blood clot I got on my right thigh since a month ago. And tomorrow, instead of starting work first, I plan to go to the University Malaya Medical Centre (okay, I admit, I am finally seeing a shrink for my depression, please support me and do not think I am crazy or something. Hope it is cheap, and non-discriminative too). If everything goes well, I will start work right after Hari Raya.

And I am here updating my blog. And I must admit, I owe all these positive movements to some of the readers and friends from Tilted World. This is all grace actually, I do not deserve any of this; not when others like me are being killed by hate crimes at an alarming rate across the globe. Not when others like me around the world are still being victims of stigma and discrimination, that causes them to be without choice but to turn to the sex trade as an extra income, especially those transwomen of colour. Being in such conditions before, I admit I am not that strong. And I do still reserve many thoughts to them.

The truth is I feel shy and embarrassed with this donation drive. This is my first time I come out like this, seeking mercy at the hands of people I do not know so well. But the responses itself was surprising, all of the donors were supportive and non-judgemental of me, and they do not make me feel like a beggar. And most of them are writers and bloggers too, mostly advocates of free speech with some concentrating on a single issue like human rights while some go into multiple issues that stretches into politics. And reading their blogs before, I know these are trully experienced people I can learn from.

After an active day, and then another one tomorrow, I know I would be fast broke again. But it is important for me to solve my immediate issues, and perhaps in these two days of Hari Raya holidays, I can really consider whether I really wish to go into home loan insurance line full force, or to seek a stable good income employment as one of my friends seriously advised me. Perhaps it is just the part of me that just wants to fight back, pulling myself together through this period of depression and trying to put up a big direction; to save as much money as possible soon for the full Sex Reassignment Surgery.
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The Best From The Archives Of "The Journey Of Yuki" - Yuki's Funnies: The History Of Michael Jackson's Face.

In conjuction with the death of the King Of Pop; to honour his good memory and incredible legacy in music and entertainment, this post has been removed. Thank you. - Yuki.

Gone.

The donation drive was slow, and my friend from the US was unable to send funds to me on time. I exhausted my options, so I had indulged myself in some unhealthy activity. That is, to sell my stuff. It is truly an uneasy feeling dumping things at so low prices people would think I am crazy. Unfortunately the old saying goes, beggars cannot be choosers. And when something is bought for around RM 698 and you have to sell it at only RM 90 for the sake of food, petrol, and to write here at this blogspot, the heart really cracks. But then you know that you have to do it for the sake of living a few more days.

I Admit, I Am A Loser To A Seven Year Old.

Her name is Jazz. She is just 7 years old. She speaks with the maturity beyond her years. Instead of being confused by her surroundings, she does not need anyone telling her who she is, she knows.

She was asked whether it is okay to be different.

Her end quote was extraordinary.

“it doesn't matter if you're having a good time and like who you are.”



While many fundamentalists may condemn her for being herself, and some may even accuse her parents of “indulging” in her “fantasies”, I applaud the courage of Jazz, and the efforts of her parents to accept her just as the way she is. How I wish I had this conviction when I was a child and never let anyone impose upon me their own dogmatic views. I wasted a good part of my years and growth because of it. And mostly, how I wish my parents impart within me the same values that Jazz's parents gave to her; to love herself. Such a value that should be shared among every trans person on this earth.

Yuki thanks Zoe Brain for having this video.

What Makes A Person Gay #1: Alan Chambers.

What Makes A Person Gay?

Alan Chambers says -

MTV, Uncle Ben's Rice TV commercial, public and private school systems... TV and music... the latter two even caused kids as young as nine to get involved with internet pornography....

What About It?

Okay, I am going to take back my words on how easy it would be for a transsexual female like me to get a job now as last mentioned in my previous post. W----- International had turned me down, exactly two weeks after they invited me to go for three days of training to be set at a later date, asked me to pay for the printing of my name cards and portfolio, and to collect leads and contacts. I should have seen it coming from their Division Manager who interviewed me, who was slightly disturbed and questioning of my gender.

Well, I had done my part and have a lot of leads for my sales, with him promising to call me back. But after more than a week of silence, an SMS yesterday telling me that they cannot offer me a sales job got me really angry indeed. This is a non-basic salary and high commission based job. They got nothing to lose by taking me in especially in my fiery mood after being dumped by my husband. A good look at my face and they can see PERFORMANCE written all over my eyes. But alas they think I am not good enough.

But I guess it is okay though. I am used to be segregated along with those other transsexuals who may or may not be a threat to any organizations by simply existing. The irony that I could have made a mark almost immediately, especially with the contacts I have and the fire that exist in my soul to go out there and prove my worth. But I guess people are really that afraid that a girl like me that they overlook the good in me; my very presence which is a good asset in sales because people will always remember me wherever I go.

Yep, so called (really so-called) international company. If I report this, their international human rights ratings will go down the sewers. But that is life. I received that irony filled SMS in the evening. That morning itself I had already accepted another job on freelance being a mortgage broker. Oh yes, the fire is still there. I will make sure that kind company that let me represent them get the best of me. But I guess there would be friendly faces and not so nice ones everywhere you go in this stereotypical society.

For example, my own community. I am really tired of people asking me the wrong questions. Even today, the question from my pastor really made me feel like tearing my ear holes in apart. “Can you do a drag show instead for the anniversary dinner? K-- may not be available”. I again, for unknown times, have to remind him again that I am not dragging. Puh-leese. I am a transsexual female. Not a transvestite. How can I drag when I am already wearing something that is for my gender identity?

Is it important? Reading “Questioning Transphobia” these days may prove it to be of utter importance. Representation. HBS women (excuse the new term I am using here), that is born out of life as normal as any transsexual women, only to disown the transsexual community by stating they are somewhat “special ones” that joins female trans-bashers in excluding people like me in their circle, all the way to the washroom. And the female trans-bashers themselves think that my womanhood do not exist. Duh.

Gender Identity is what is going to make or break me. A MTF transsexual is female and a transvestite is male. That is the difference between me and a certain singing pastor proclaiming he once dressed as a girl. The difference between looking as a girl and pretending as a girl. It is as contrasting as a person like me having a disgusting mutation called a dick and another person proud to make their dick bigger. So when these “international” companies right down to my own pastor cannot understand it, I could faint.

I cannot blame them though. Society had made themselves in such a way people are too engrossed with the penis and a vagina. I wonder if my interviewer would be less hesitant with me should I be a very large sized person who looks like a man but was born with a vagina. People actually think with their dicks and vagina these days mind you again. Without it there would not be a sodomy case or even any sex. Without it there would not even be a boy or a girl. Or even HIV/AIDS. That is my cue. Do spirits have a dick or a puss?

That is exactly why the Bible says, in heaven there is no male or female. So why is it that important now?
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