Five Months - Part One: Work, Advocacy and Sisters.

Life is full of different corners to turn into, and however we move about, we would always remember the roads we ventured through, and as we come back to familiar pathways, we would know what to do and perhaps even manage to make a better use of the road. The months starting from June have brought for me an amazing journey. I was still recovering from a broken heart when suddenly I was asked to pull out of Seksualiti Merdeka due to my inability to function as an advocate after that moment of hurt and pain caused by a recent failed love.

This is a job for…

In terms of my full time job, the month had a high and a low. I managed to get more licensees in within the space of two months than I ever did in a year. On the other hand, the event management team, one that I highly recommended, that was supposed to handle one of the biggest highlights of the year for Malaysia, pulled the plug on us at the very last minute, jeopardizing our campaign. Fortunately, we were able to recover a portion of it later, and there will still be a celebration in the end for the no.1 cartoon brand in Asia, for his 40th Birthday.

Footie Madness

It was also the month of the World Cup, which ended with mixed emotions for me as I walked out on England with 20 minutes to go during the game in which they trail 2-4 to Germany. I get the feeling I am never going to see England win the World Cup in my lifetime. However, Holland nearly did. I really hope to see the day either teams lift the trophy. I nearly missed the entire World Cup season because I could not afford to watch the matches outside and I did not have “Astro” at home. Luckily, the owner of Darter’s Home Pub at Damansara allowed me to bring and drink only water (literally) throughout the matches and the food at Kelana Jaya’s Laila’s was quite affordable for a posh place. So I was able to capture the full excitement right until the end.

That Transsexual Forum

In early July, I attended the Sexual & Reproductive Health & Rights (SRHR) for Transgender (TG) community in Penang. One problem I have with the forum is the title, not all trans people’s rights were discussed; the transgender population’s existence has barely anything to do with sex except Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) and sexual orientation, and the whole forum is about transsexuals, not about transgender people. The brief inclusion of trans men did nothing to the fact that for a public forum, issues that plague the gender variant community, such as school safety, insurance, trans phobia was not highlighted, and in its place were the tiresome rants on sex change, HIV/AIDS and medical care. I have disagreements with one doctor on panel for implying that the SRS is the holy grail for all transsexuals, putting all non-ops under the bus. Perhaps my biggest disappointment is that you have three panelists with the sign “Dr” attached to their names, but backdated science of transsexualism were used, and all were unaware with the recent late 2008’s discovery of two transsexual genes. However, considering the circumstances in Malaysia, at least, it is a good start for us.

Oh, My Sisters...

Mixing with the trans people from PT Mak Nyah there was also an experience for me. Except for a few among the leaders whom I respect, some of them still practise the mak ayam, anak ayam behaviour from a standpoint of having superiority complex. And there are some who are flirtatious and speak like they were having an orgasm, probably in an attempt to seek attention. Such is the overcompensating and insecure attitude of many mak nyahs, one even tried to put me down by saying I am just a “pondan” just like anyone else. Correction, I do not use outlandish terms. The science says I am female, and so are they. And by how I live my life, I am not like anyone of them. We should be proud of our diversity. To try to pull everyone down to their league is at best disappointing. After the forum, I made a choice to not follow PT Mak Nyah back to KL, and instead spent time with friends to visit an NGO at Penang and have a taste of the food life there at Padang Kota Lama before heading home.

The Call

Perhaps, better than the experience of being at the forum, eating the famous and marvelous foods of Penang, and enjoying the company of Dayalan and Shieko in their car on the drive back to KL (all of us counting numbers off car plates for fun to stay awake), was the result of an audition I attended weeks before at KLPAC. While brooding over the forum and the sisters at the hotel room alone, I received a wonderful call from KLPAC resident director Kimmy Kiew. My heart skipped a beat. It is about “Waiting For Godot”.

Next: "Five Months - Part 2".

Discovering Sexuality.

Just after midnight crossing into Saturday the 10th of April 2010, something happened that changed my life by many degrees, and also challenged my perception of myself sexually. It was then I noticed how emotionally immature I am in handling relationships, and realize who I would like to spend my life with. I have never been comfortable with my own skin but that couple of hours of passion opened my eyes to see my comfort zone.

That one night stand left me into such emotional wreck, longing for something more when the other party specifically just wanted someone for the night. I never felt such tingling sensation in my heart looking at the person walking away to the car after that event. It made my bed smell of roses in love. It made me special. It also made me feel like a virgin woman. I still do not like sex but I finally am hooked to being with someone.

That someone identifies as a butch. And that made me check on my history. My first girlfriend when I was boy-acting, is a boy to me. Then my ex-fiancee is a tomboy. My ex-husband is a trans man. That night, I realized that if anything made me a lesbian, it was that pleasure, that insane passion that chewed my heart into bits. It was not the sex. It was the warm feeling of being comfortably naked, and with someone I really love. And everything about it is right, the moment, the timing, the kiss, and of course, the person.

It was made to last for one night. She does not want anything more than that. And I do not blame her. She knew I wanted more. So she goes back to her life with her girls and partying along with her career, and I am stuck with myself after giving her the last piece of me that I can ever give to anyone. I cannot handle the emptiness and the loneliness, the kind that I have never experienced. I have so many friends around me, yet I feel so void.

Many other thoughts came across during the past one-month plus. More regrets of my teenage years when I forced myself to conform to the expectations of church, friends and family of me to be a boy, based on their transphobic whims that affected my growth. As a Christian I grieved my soul, as a daughter my suffering to be a son was less important as my filial duties, as a friend no one truly understands the pain of living against who I am.

I conclude that I am emotionally stunted and only recently started to work on myself in that area. Almost a decade of suppressing my female identity led to no growth at all spiritually and emotionally. I was literally a zombie living life at another dimension. It was only when my soul returned home after I started transitioning that I am growing again emotionally. I cannot take the fast love and fast break up with her. My brain is clear but my soul responds childishly. She broke a 24-year-old heart in a 34-year-old woman.

I always assumed I am asexual who is bisexual by attraction, but I never had people of any sexual orientation haunt my mind like strong lesbians do. I never knew such feeling of misery now that we are staying away from each other. It is the sum of all the scars I have ever experienced when loving women like her. And this loss is still an open flesh wound that is poured salt and iodine over and over again, and it still would not let me go.

Commitment is no longer something I frame myself into since the best woman in my life is now officially gone and ignoring me away. There are no signs that she will ever be strong and mature enough to handle a commitment anyway. Even if she does, the damage between us is done though I already dedicated a space in me for her for the rest of my life. Or she may be with another girl. Watching her grow and spending life with her is now a dream. I may probably be the only idiot who would still love her once she hits 50 plus and all wrinkled. But I will always love her, and hope she gets the life she wants.

I now crave for the other component part of the night that I got. I no longer want any emotional attachments. I want to be caressed again. I want someone to be on top of me once more. I want to feel the pleasure, the touch, the strength and the kiss. That hard but sweet smooth kiss that I never got when I kissed a man. The gentle heartbeat my body feels when we were close. The warmth from her hot blooded body holding me so tight.

Yes, I like being with a butch lesbian. That soft skinned cream pie with strong arms to keep me entertained. Now I have another strong reason to get my Gender Reassignment Surgery done as soon as possible, to really slim down and take care of me. Perhaps when a butch digs into me later, I will no longer be an asexual and may even like the sex. I crave the sensation of having a bold, authoritative, strong woman on my side of the bed. In my soul, I know I can never love anyone again, so all I will do is just close my eyes.

What's On Yuki's Mind: Patience Is A Virtue.

I am easily annoyed these days. Every day, the bathroom is never clear for me to head straight into it to start my day and the alarm never rings enough for me to wake up and go for a jog when I seriously need a few rounds very badly. Then, I have to endure the pressure of getting potential clients into our programmes daily. These days, I am without a laptop and have to resort to using my colleague’s PCs and I am unable to get any updates about current work. It is raining everyday these days despite warnings of a dry season. Every time I go back I can expect a horrendous jam which I have the choice to evade, with the condition I agree to pay a RM2.00 toll and still get stuck on the other highway after the link, unless I am lucky enough to leave work exactly at 6pm which seldom happens. Add to that, my constant travelling for sales often fates me to meet the worst of typical Malaysian drivers. These are all real deep pains in the neck.

But, reflecting on all of these and many more irritating moments in my life, I realize that the frustrations happen for one simple reason. I am impatient. This is an obvious weakness in my life and it is reflected on how I think and feel. So this can be my training ground, to have a little PATIENCE.

I Am Who I Am, In Case You Think What You Think.

I am born a trans woman, in case you think I just suddenly decided to be another sex.

I am in a family with one older brother, in case you think I have a lot of sisters running about.

I am in a boy’s school, in case you think I am in a co-ed institution.

I am into football, in case you think I am into play houses.

I am aware of your sexual insecurity, in case you think I must be ashamed of my sexual identity.

I am a fine example of gender variances, in case you think people like me should not exist.

I am with a valid medical condition by WHO, in case you think you can cherry pick holy verses.

I am very much and mostly a female, in case you think your sex is as small as your sex organ.

I am constantly challenging your perception of gender, in case you think you know what that is.

I am not sexually abused, in case you think some indecent person “caused” me to be this way.

I am loved by both my mom and dad, in case you think either is too distant or too overbearing.

I am blessed with Transformers Headmasters as my first toys, in case you think I like Barbie.

I am a believer in Christ, in case you think I have no reconciliation with a God.

I am asexual, in case you think I am homosexual.

I am lucky to have B-cup breasts, in case you think they are fake implants.

I am not a self-loather, in case you think I am struggling with myself.

I am not dressed to kill, in case you think you saw me in some street somewhere.

I am not a prostitute, in case you think my body is a sex toy.

I am at awe with my influence on God to rain fire, in case you think I caused recent earthquakes.

I am a person who does not discriminate, in case you think I deserve discrimination.

I am a person who is just normal, in case you think you know some other person like me.

I am in pubs for Karaoke drinks and Manchester United, in case you think I pick up men there.

I am training my mutant powers, in case you think I have ability to destroy the entire society.

I am tomboyish, in case you think I am effeminate.

I am not what you think I am, in case you think too much.

Malaysia: The Only Country In The Civilized World Where Some States Make A Crime Out Of What You Dress.

My, my, my. When they cannot catch criminals that actually harms people, this is what some states are doing to innocent bystanders. The so-called “crime” to punish? Dressing to their real gender identity. These five ladies are ignorantly called “males” by this news piece, and Chief Inspector Azman Ariffin was mentioned as the one prosecuting them. Remember, all they were doing is wearing clothes in the gender they are comfortable with? There are no charges brought against them for prostitution, so therefore it is safe to assume they were just chilling out. So what is this Chief Inspector trying to do? Intimidate the five to become the men they are not? These "police" should know better than to make a fuss out of nothing, and catch real criminals.

Alas, this is not the first time such incidences happen. Last July, a trans woman was fined RM 25 for dressing up as who she is in Johor Bahru. There, another two trans woman were fined a total of RM 225 for simply clothing themselves as the females they are. Heavens, do these "public safety enforcers" really believe gender destiny lies in the marker on an IC or what parts some have between their thighs? Luckily, medical health professionals and peer-previewed sciences says otherwise. Unluckily, those staying in environments such as Kuantan, Pahang and Johor Baru, Johor has to face harassment and disturbances from people who do not have much education and information about gender, and they still choose to live back in the dark ages.

I suggest LGBTs boycott Pahang and Johor as destinations for holidays. I would. I shall not waste money and time, or endanger myself and risk being surrounded by a climate of prejudice against trans people.

"The Star" Gives Professional Reporting Lesson — HM, Learn Something.

Yesterday, I featured a post on the biased and childish reporting from Harian Metro, which includes name-calling trans woman, “pondan”, 9 times, and tried to brush trans people with negative stereotypes. It is universally understood by everyone in the civilized world that morality and character has nothing to do with a person’s gender identity, yet Harian Metro attempted to correlate trans woman-hood, with cognitive sinister motives. Such blatant act of demonization deserves nothing but scorn. However, The Star shows how to do a proper report: just explain the situation without insulting people with derogatory words, and report on the news without attempting to single out and demonize any groups of people:

KUALA LUMPUR: A college student’s indecent act in front of a webcam has come back to haunt him three years later.

The 22-year-old from Sarawak, identified only as Chong, said he befriended a man, in his 30s, in an online chat room during his first year in a college here.

“He wanted me to teach him how to masturbate and show him how to do it,” he said. Chong masturbated in front of a webcam so that the man, known as Melvin, could see how it was done.

“But I did not know he recorded it and on March 14, he sent me a message asking me to have sex with him.

“He threatened to upload the recording on the Internet and asked for RM200 after I rejected his request for sex,” he told a press conference organised by the MCA Public Services and Complaints Bureau here yesterday.

Chong said Melvin came to his house to collect the money. “He showed up again after two weeks and asked for more money,” he said, adding that he banked RM250 into Melvin’s account.

Chong said he did not lodge a police report or tell anyone about the recording and extortion as he was not sure what to do.

He decided to seek the help of bureau head Datuk Michael Chong because he was afraid that Melvin will continue asking for money.

When asked why he did what Melvin asked, Chong said he was naive and trusted people easily.

He said he stopped communicating with Melvin and did not reply to his messages after the masturbating incident because he felt something was not right.

Michael said last year, his bureau received five reports relating to online sex video clips and extortion.

He said five victims lost a total of RM570,000 to extortionists.

Early this year, a man was forced to pay RM4,600 to a woman who had his naked photos, he added.

Both men’s sexual orientation were never objectified and not sensationalized. The words “gay” and “homosexual” were never used. The same situation between a man and a woman was mentioned, showing the reality of the situation, and the truth that immoral behaviour or criminal activities are not exclusive to any sexual orientation or gender identity. This is the journalistic integrity that separates tabloids like Harian Metro with newspapers like The Star. Now, what we hope to see from The Star is consistency, as they resorted to tabloid style reporting before, or allow junk news to creep into its papers.

On Harian Metro, the character assassination on trans people as done by them can be honestly called what they are: hate speech that will explode into societal genocide if not checked. And Harian Metro’s often published discriminatory rants against trans people, places them as the leaders in creating an environment of potential hate crimes against human beings whose only disturbance in society, is to be born in a gender different from their sex. Something needs to be done to counter the utter disrespect Harian Metro shows to the trans community in Malaysia. Violent reported deaths of trans woman every year, worldwide, and the many more that are not reported, gives us a sad reminder of what such hatred can do.

Some are your friends. Some are your families. Wise up, Harian Metro. Is this what you want?

Penulis Harian Metro Kejam.

Try not to press here. Tabloid news. Do not give them more hits than they deserve. But I will bring to your attention this article that does nothing but attempt to again demonize an entire transsexual community and brushing them with stereotypes. I shall substitute every mention of “pondan” with penulis Harian Metro and “mak nyah” with penulis tabloid to make a point them.

BATU PAHAT: Dari luar dia nampak lembut dan bersopan-santun. Namun, perwatakan itu langsung tidak menggambarkan kezaliman seorang penulis Harian Metro berusia 29 tahun terhadap seorang gadis lembam yang dikurung dan 'diperdagangkan' kepada lelaki hidung belang selama sebulan.

Malah, penulis tabloid terbabit sering mengancam dan memukul remaja berusia 19 tahun itu jika enggan melayan nafsu pelanggan yang bertandang ke rumahnya di Taman Soga di sini dengan bayaran RM100.

Hasil perbuatan tidak berperikemanusiaan terhadap remaja itu, penulis tabloid berkenaan yang juga seorang pak andam menggelarkan dirinya Abang Mustapha meraih pendapatan lebih RM2,000 sebulan.

Bagaimanapun, kegiatan jahat penulis Harian Metro itu dapat dihidu keluarga gadis berkenaan yang mencarinya di sekitar bandar ini sejak sebulan lalu.

Ketua Polis Daerah, Asisten Komisioner Ibrahim Mohd Aris, berkata pengalaman hitam mangsa bermula apabila pak andam terbabit bertemu remaja berkenaan di Dataran Penggaram di sini, pada malam 3 Mac lalu.

Dalam pertemuan itu, penulis tabloid terbabit memancing mangsa dengan perwatakan baiknya sebelum mempelawa remaja itu tinggal bersamanya. Dia turut mengambil hati gadis OKU itu dengan membelikan pakaian baru.

Menurutnya, sebaik mangsa tinggal di rumah itu, dia tidak dibenarkan keluar rumah dan diancam akan dipukul jika cuba melarikan diri.

“Sejak itu, mangsa dipaksa melayan nafsu lelaki yang datang ke rumah berkenaan dan jika enggan dia akan dibelasah,” katanya.

Menurut Ibrahim, kegiatan tidak berperikemanusiaan menjadikan gadis OKU sebagai hamba seks oleh penulis Harian Metro berkenaan akhirnya terbongkar apabila sepupu mangsa yang menyamar sebagai pelanggan menemuinya.

Katanya, sepupu gadis OKU itu memaklumkan perbuatan kejam penulis tabloid terbabit kepada keluarga mangsa sebelum melaporkan kepada polis.

Ibrahim berkata, penulis Harian Metro terbabit yang panik selepas menyedari kegiatannya dihidu pihak berkuasa cuba membuat laporan di Balai Polis Senggarang kononnya dia dipukul abang mangsa namun diberkas memberkas penulis Harian Metro terbabit ketika dia mahu membuat laporan polis.

Katanya, siasatan awal polis mendapati penulis tabloid berkenaan mempunyai beberapa rekod jenayah lampau termasuk mengikut Seksyen 292 Kanun Keseksaan kerana menjual bahan lucah serta Seksyen 325 iaitu menyebabkan kecederaan parah.

“Polis menyerbu rumah suspek dan hasil pemeriksaan menjumpai beberapa kondom sudah diguna di beberapa tempat, selain wang tunai RM2,247 dalam laci milik penulis Harian Metro terbabit yang dipercayai hasil melacurkan OKU berkenaan.

“Selain berdepan tindakan mengikut Seksyen 324 Kanun Keseksaan kerana kesalahan mencederakan seseorang menggunakan senjata, penulis Harian Metro itu juga berdepan dakwaan terbabit dalam aktiviti persundalan mengikut Seksyen 372A kanun sama.

“Malah, dia juga berdepan dakwaan mengikut Seksyen 377b Kanun Keseksaan (seks luar tabii), Seksyen 347 Kanun Keseksaan kerana melakukan pengurungan salah dan Seksyen 292A Kanun Keseksaan kerana memiliki 20 klip video lucah.

“Kejadian itu mendorong polis untuk mengambil tindakan tegas terhadap penulis Harian Metro di bandar ini selepas mendapati ada antara mereka bertindak melampaui batas,” katanya.

(changes made and emphasis added; translation may be needed for foreign readers)

That amounts, to nine mention of pondans, and six mention of mak nyahs. And bear in mind, pondan is a derogatory word, and this story uses it 9 times. Can we see their sexist mentality?

Usually in such reporting, professionalism requires the writer to simply mark the person as just that, the person or the suspect or "orang" to avoid targetting any specific group of people. Just imagine how bad things would be if we replace "pondan" with Kristian, and "mak nyah" with penganut; or worse, both with m*****. But of course, Harian Metro is the tabloid for sperm brains who love sensational news and their target market is people with third world mentality. We of course would not expect any professionalism from them. However, such purposeful demonization of transsexuals should be scrutinized to the bone, especially when dealing with an already misunderstood community. Looking at the size of their hypothalamus, I would not be surprised that their avid readers are filmakers Raja Azmi Raja Sulaiman and "Dr" Rozmey (see previous post). Only ignorant minds would resort to such parroting of all trash ideas and news.

Ignorant Filmakers Sanctioned To Draw First Blood On Trans People.

I do apologize for not writing much these days, as I have quite a number of things on my mind. However, something propped up last week in my-email that I feel needs to be addressed. Slightly reversing the decision by the Information, Communications and Culture Ministry last year that bans depictions of rempits and trans people (I still do not get the connection between violent motorcyclists and decent human beings with a medical condition), local filmmakers can now depict homosexuality and trans people IF the film ends with sad or tragic consequences to homosexual persons or trans people.

I am very thrilled that my acts of going to work, singing Karaoke with my friends, sleeping, watching movies and enjoying music are considered “immoral activities” by some quarters that I need to repent from. I am also sure that some of my friends would be excited that their loving relationships with their partners is considered nothing but a “culture” that may damage moral values of other people, and people need protection from some insane influence to turn heterosexuals to homosexuals (as if it is ever possible).

Not.

I absolutely do not get any relevance from movies that are based on nothing by idle speculation and lazy guessing into the life of a trans woman, like “…(Anu) dalam botol” for example. I would not even say poorly researched; it is pure fictional fantasy (I can imagine no research was done for “2Alam” either). I do not magically wish to “transform” into a woman to please anyone. If my partner is homosexual, he would find that gross because he wants a man, not a woman. I would not even regret getting the operation done if I have the chance, and if I do stumble upon a loving girl, then we would have a decent lesbian relationship, a kind of partnership that is recognized as the most low risk group for HIV/AIDS infection. By the way I do not even like sex. And I am not a “transvestite”.

So, this is plain misinformation, miscommunication and a counter-culture move to allow demonization of people like me. I have totally no regrets being who I am and am proud to be finally be living, not as who Raja Azmi Raja Sulaiman’s thinks I am or I should be. I shall die in pride that though my life is difficult thanks to ignorant and deceitful people like these so-called filmmakers, at least I live as the woman I truly am. These hate-mongering, rumour spreading and lie parroting heterosexists like “Dr” Rozmey may be getting the hype they want. But if any in the trans community of Malaysia commits suicide or are murdered due to the climate of prejudice, misunderstanding, intolerance and discrimination these “filmmakers” create, my sisters’ blood is surely on their hands.

Between "Human Rights" And "Religious Freedom".

This was my FaceBook status yesterday. A lot of people liked it, I thought I would share it:

If "Human Rights" and "Religious Freedom" are 2 boyfriends and I am allowed to marry only one, I will surely marry "Human Rights". "Religious Freedom" does not guarantee me having "Human Rights" again. But if I marry "Human Rights" I will always have "Religious Freedom". "Religious Freedom is at times selfish to tie me down like a slave. "Human Rights" will always let me be free to see freedom for human kind. :o )

Sass Rogando Sasot Speaks At The United Nations.

Erm. I think I will let Ms. Sass Rogando Sasot speak for all of us trans women of the earth. :o)

Opposing Grave Human Rights Violations On The Basis Of Sexual Orientation And Gender Identity

(United Nations, New York, 10th December 2009)