This month is a meaningful month for me. Today, the last month of my probation period of the best job I will ever have in my life, commences. I will never get another job like this, and even in the midst of my struggles, I intend to fight like it is my whole life here just to keep it. And one of my struggles is still emotional. Two weeks from now, it will be the first year anniversary of separation between me and my ex-husband (usually, I would say "soon to be" because we are not divorced yet, but since he is history I will label him that).
I admit the manner he left me still sours my heart every time I think about it. Sometimes, it consumes my soul in the middle of some cold nights that I cannot sleep. He is no longer speaking out for the T community (so much for his so-called advocacy work). The last I heard from him, he claimed his cerebral palsy ex-wife is no longer under his care. Since he is a delusional jerk, I would not be surprised if they actually took her away. An overindulgent obsession of UFOs enough to abandon his only registered family is not exactly normal behaviour.
I still dream of the day I was at Suporn Clinic, then heading towards the hotel room waiting for my surgery, last year. The impact of having my surgery cancelled by my ex-husband is still felt today, and I know however I try to forget, the damage it has done to me psychologically and emotionally will take years to heal. The loss of control of my emotions and character that I have is even evident to my colleagues, especially my superior officers. They do not know exactly what happened, but I do feel embarrassed when younger workmates wonder why a 30 plus year old woman can have a confidence crisis.
The husband is gone. The new life that was promisingly presented to me by my ex-husband is gone. The ring he gave me is gone. The chance to get rid of the cancer between my thighs is also gone. And although I am recovering well from the emotional hurt and the immense pain; I never feel so hollow and empty in my life. I nearly lost myself, the part of me that is alive. Every time I remember how I used to announce with pride of having my husband by my side, I become a wreck and feel sorry that he is no more in my life. Missing out on my SRS still feels like having my nerves jerked out of me everyday.
I still have a job to do. If I can survive this probation period my soul will start recovering. But I fear losing this job, because I know I would not be able to take it. I already lost so much within one year. If I am removed from my position in this wonderful organization, I know it will kill what is left of the person I am. Because simply it is all I have left that gives me something to fight for. But it is out of my control. I need a revival in my life now, to make Julys beautiful again, to move on from what happened at Chonburi a year ago. It is time to prove my worth for the sake of finding myself again. I really need to.