Michael Jackson... Now In Heaven....

I am really too sad to write anything proper now. I wanted to write this in the morning. And I know I owe an RIP post to a favourite entertainer of mine when I was a child throughout my teenage years, who passed away today. Life has been so unfair to him. He gave us his best music, his best dance, his best performances even though he had lost all his childhood while entertaining us. What do people gave him in return? The name calling like “wacko jacko”, children’s mothers exploiting him for millions of cash, chastising him for having childlike interests and so forth. In the end, his heart still shone. It was already reported he was not in good shape a couple of months back, but still pledged himself to 50 concerts in the UK. He even dedicated 100 over unreleased songs to his children. He has always been a good human being with a good heart. It is really a hole in the world now that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.

Take care in heaven, Michael Jackson.

Yuki's Thoughts: I removed a funny post about him. I just want to remember him as he is. A great artiste, and a sensitive soul.

The Best From The Archives Of "The Journey Of Yuki" - Who are we to judge Sufiah Yusuf?

I have been following the story of Sufiah Yusuf (Shilpa Lee) with interest. At 13 she is a math genius and now as a young adult she is a full-time escort. What disgusts me is the reaction of the worldwide moral police consisting of bloggers, religious people and journalists having their own opinions on why she choose the life of an escort. It goes from “Blame the father” to “Pressure from young age” then “Divorce from her husband”. Reactions consists of “She needs to 'bertaubat' (repent)” to “sad state of mind” then “unlucky”, recently “look at the kind of money she is making!”

I find all these very silly indeed. I had a chat with my friend recently about her and we both agree, we should stop making assumptions and just listen to what she had to say. And she finally uttered this sentence, “By the time I was 15 I wanted to be in control of my life. I fought back”. This sentence seemed to be virtually ignored by every person reading her story. In fact, many quarters still wishes to define her for herself when she is already in control of her life. In fact, everyone is trying to act like they know her, still repeating the really annoying dogma of “Blame the father!”.

She was 15 when she decided to take control of her life. I wish I had the courage and determination to do so at that age. When I was her age, until a few years back I was still being controlled by people; parents, church members, friends, teachers and boyfriends/girlfriends. They imposed what they believed was for the good of me when it made me a severely confused girl who is trying to be a boy to please everyone. Whatever I do was taken under scrutiny. In the process, I lost the soul of what makes me, me. I became the parody of each and everyone's definition of the surname “Choe”.

If I had chose to stop listening too much to people at that age, and start to question and think for myself, I would have a hard a life as a transsexual female at a very young age. But at least I know I would be happy. But knowing that at 30 plus I am finally in control of my life makes me realise it is not too late. And of course, there are the usual ridiculous assumptions of what made me “become” this way; “Must be the mother”, “She had been sexually abused”, “The last girlfriend must have hurt this person so badly”, and a host of other fallacy of ambiguities. All post hoc, ergo propter hoc.

I took control of my life as Sufiah Yusuf did. I wish I had the maturity to do so at her age. But at least I am on my way. Sufiah Yusuf is now happy in her career and we all should just leave her alone. We talk so much about “blame the father”, but are we not doing the same things the father did? The father pressured her when she was too young to be a math prodigy, did we not say that? And look what we are doing now. We are pressuring her to “repent” and we made out her story like a personal disaster movie; but she already stated that she is happy her life had turned out this way.

And what is wrong with being a escort? The calls of “sin” again? Are we not sinful too? And I sincerely ask every women reading my humble blog here this question. Since most of us Malaysia women would also have our chance encounters with men until we slept with them for the night, which is better, to give men sex for free or to give men sex for money? This is a controversial subject, but just think. How many one night stands had some of us women had with just a “mamak” supper to show for. If we call her a “hooker” for earning her kind of money, what about us then?

Let us all just respect her for her decision. Who are we to judge her? Are we giving her money to use in United Kingdom? Are we feeding her or clothing her? For goodness sake, she is taking care of her own life. It is time we should leave her alone. We would bear consequences of our own fallen nature, and similarly would not like to be judged in the same manner. And she is smart enough to know she cannot be in this field of work forever. And we cannot live forever without taking care of ourselves too. It is insane trying to control or define Sufiah Yusuf when we do not even know her.

It is time for us to stop condemning or pitying or judging her. It is time for us to start listening to her, because she is happy in her life. We would be ultra shallow to resort to condescending remarks about her when we have our own problem and our lives to live. How would we feel if we were to be under the same scrutiny and being defined by everyone around us? We surely would not like that. To Sufiah Yusuf, I give you my sincere high 5 . You are a very brave young woman. Even though everyone thinks you are crazy, you are an inspiration to me. Take care, all the best for the future.

Selective wit and wisdom of Sufiah Yusuf (Shilpa Lee):

"People think escorting is sleazy and terrible but I don’t see it like that,”

"I hate this stereotype society has of escorts as being exploited. It is so far from the truth. My clients treat me like a princess. One guy took me shopping on Bond Street. He bought me a beautiful black Gucci dress for £300 (RM1,920) and then took me to Selfridges, where I could pick a handbag I liked.”

"As I grew older, I began to clash with my father. He was violent at times. He pushed me so far academically, I became more confident for any girl my age. I grew up too quickly.”

"Oxford was an amazing place but I was too young. By the time I was 15, I wanted to be in control of my life. I fought back,”

"I have never felt so confident about my body and I’ve had some of the best sex of my life”

Yuki's thoughts:

She Is Da Bomb! Kinda Inspire Me To Really Do Something About My Body. : )

Published in "The Journey Of Yuki" on Monday, April 7, 2008

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Responses from commenters:

There are still responses up to this month on this post at "The Journey Of Yuki".

Anonymous said...
so ur point is she became in control of her life by becoming a hooker??
and its ok 4 sumones husband 2 fuk this hooker n keep her on the syd? wud it b ok if it was ur husband?
wud it b ok if ur daughter sold her body 4 one night?
she cud have ne job she wants 2 match her 60k but no she chooses 2 slp around n make her cash!!
standing ovation 3 her!!
man!!.... i so wish she was my mummy or my sister!

December 22, 2008 8:31 AM


Vivienne Yuki Choe said...
I am not as liberal as to encourage people to go into prostitution, but I do encourage people to live their lives the best way they can be, and that no one can judge another person when all of us have our own skeletons to deal with. This is also a sexist issue, with a variety of opinions that may arise from the sort of questions you posed to me.

If she were to sleep with my husband, I would not blame her. I would blame my husband for not being able to control his dick.

If my daughter were to sell her body for one night I would not mind. I find it more a disgrace if she were to go around giving out sex for free. But of course I would hope this only a temporary experimentation of her life.

Hope you understand what I mean. :)

December 22, 2008 2:31 PM


Anonymous said...
Dear Yuki. How deep n wide is your way of thinking. Perhaps too advance ya. I do agree that we shouldn't judge one, the way people would love to see Ms. Yusuf in her life.
Yet when U touched an issue about ur own daughter, then I must say.. Hmhmh... She is more than something.. Hope our life even better (with our own belief..). Salam.

March 21, 2009 6:07 PM


Anonymous said...
you are intellectual assholes with little or no idea of the truth behind this...you accept what you read asking only surface questions...she did not disappear from oxford uni of her own volition...i was there at the time...her childhood has very little to do with her set of problems...look at ALL the evidence...

April 17, 2009 7:05 AM


Anonymous said...
here is a clue for all the idiots out there...HEADLINE: THE BRIGHTEST FAMILY IN BRITAIN
SUBHEAD: AND THEY ACHIEVED IT BY REJECTING EVERYTHING THAT WE BELIEVE IN
BYLINE: JANE KELLY
TITLE: Daily Mail
DATE: 16/10/1998
EDITION: 1ST
the dad trashed Britain in this interview...Sufiah soon disappeared after this...who would have been pissed off by this?

April 17, 2009 7:16 AM


Anonymous said...
the brits play it by the rules and the world is still flat...right?

April 17, 2009 7:30 AM


Anonymous said...
very little of the facts have ever been reported...what sufiah has been telling the papers are porkies...from beginning to end everything has been stage-managed...she was not with her family when she disappeared...if she had problems how did her other siblings manage to graduate with no probs? i saw her many times at oxford uni...she was busy attending extreme left wing meetings...these were weird people with extreme agendas..anarchy and the rest...her behaviour since hasn't surprised me one bit...she was easily led and an idiot when it came to judging people. once cut off from all her family, friends and roots and under the control of the social services at the farthest corner of england it's hardly surprising she lost her bearings...when she first disappeared she was phoning not her home as the brit media has claimed but her much older left wing buddies who were now pulling all the strings...do you really think the brit establishment would have accepted the real truth to emerge given her status and the damage this could have done to their reputation. bs about the family was the easier route...it's called plausible deniability...given 'the natives' have swallowed all the bs the brits have done a good job!
April 17, 2009 11:25 AM


Anonymous said...
you know, i've never really took any notice on news. i really have no idea what goes on in the world and only about what goes on in my world because the bigger world just gives you more to worry about. but this sufiah story is funny. it was just talk of the town and yes, i agree with you that people that don't even know her and talk about her but.. that's what people are like now days. they like to talk, gossip.. make other peoples lives feel like shit and feel good about it. point out other peoples flaws oblivious that people are doing the same about them. sufiah went into the real world at an early age. most malaysians still live with our parents at 30. so when does that technically mean? she's already friggin smart, she's gorgeous, and she might just actually be an amazing person.. so that's an excellent combo of a person. and making money for being the amazing person you are? that's a friggin awesome job. by being yourself and making a living out of it. you'd be surprised what kind of people her clients may be. if she's an escort, escorts are well maintained and paid real good money. if you want sex, you pay more. but these people are mainly rich gentlemen. some may be dicks but you'll never know till you see right. gosh, it's like Pretty Women. and i loved that friggin movie. only difference is that sufiah is super smart and doesn't need to go to school anymore. Oxford. HELLO! 13! HELLO! how many of those do you see everyday? well, maybe now days got la a few but still!! maybe one day she will find her knight in shining platinum armor and quit all that and be the happiest she could ever be. no one wants your children or hubands or yourselves to be that way.. it's just a question.

June 17, 2009 4:03 AM


Yuki's Thoughts:
Thanks for all your thoughts and commentaries, though I wish commenters stop being "Annonymous". I have an identity. So does Sufiah Yusuf. As for the Annonymous who trashed her with 4 comments in a row, at least she has an identity and lives by it. She is not a coward. That is why I respect her. Her happiness, hooker or not, cannot take away dignity. The pot shots trying to tarnish her means nothing. Whatever she does in the future, I say all the best.

Britney Spears Sings... About Being Britney Spears... And Gives Us More As Promised....

I thought I am just mistaken, but I just took a careful look at the lyrics of the past few hits she has since her “resurrection”, and I found out that our ex-teen sensation is singing about being Britney Spears!

Just look at some of these sentences from the verses and chorus of “Circus”:

There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain, and the ones that observe
Well baby, I'm a put on a show kind of girl
Don't like the back seat, gotta be first

There's only two types of guys out there
Ones that can hang with me, and ones that are scared
So baby, I hope that you came prepared
I run a tight ship, so beware

All eyes on me in the center of the ring,
Just like a circus
When I crack that whip, everybody gonna trip,
Just like a circus
Don't stand there watching me, follow me,
Show me what you can do
Everybody let go, we can make a dance floor,
Just like a circus

Then take a reading on some of the wordings in “Piece Of Me”. It is so obvious!:

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don't matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They still got pictures of my derri¨re in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me...
I'm Miss bad media karma
Another day another drama
Guess I can't see no harm
In working and being a mama
And with a kid on my arm
I'm still an exception
And you want a piece of me

I'm Mrs. 'You want a piece of me?'
Tryin' and pissin' me off
Well get in line with the paparazzi
Who's flippin' me off
Hopin' I'll resort to startin' havoc
And end up settlin' in court
Now are you sure you want a piece of me?
I'm Mrs. 'Most likely to get on TV for strippin' on the streets'
When getting the groceries, no, for real..
Are you kidding me?
Causing panic in the industry

I'm Mrs. Lifestyles of the rich and famous
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Oh my God that Britney's Shameless
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Exta! Extra! this just in
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. she's too big now she's too thin
(You want a piece of me)

Okay, okay... more self-inflated ego up ahead from “Gimme More”....:

It's Britney Bitch
I see you,
And i just wanna dance with you

Everytime they turn the lights down
Just wanna go that extra mile for you
You got my display of affection
Feels like no one else in the room (but you)

The center of attention, even when we're up against the wall
You got me in a crazy position (uh huh)
If you're on a mission (ooh)
You got my permission oh

We can get down like there's no one around
We keep on rocking, we keep on rockin'
Cameras are flashing while we're dirty dancing
They keep watching, keep watchin'
Feels like the the crowd was saying

Gimme Gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme gimme more
[x4]

[Spoken]
I just can't control myself, more
They want more?
Well I'll give them more (ow!)

Oh dear, she meant ever word she said! Let us read the last lines again:

[Spoken]
I just can't control myself, more
They want more?
Well I'll give them more (ow!)

And She Did!

Am I naughty.. am I naughty... yes I am! BRITNEY SPEARS GIVES US MORE.. AND THIS TIME NAKED....!

Goodness me! I did not know she is so serious about it!

Malays And Mak Nyah.

I took some time to surf the Malay blogesphere, and shockers! The amount of ignorance shown by many in the Malay community on transgender issues is horrible. Their sickening behaviour shows when they make us into a comedy, to having an actual anti-transgender hate blog. However, there are good people around Malays, so I am pleased to have stopped and read some of the sensitive and unbiased commentaries on a post in Basuh Baju, and left them a comment. It seems there is still a huge gap between perceived transsexualim, and the truth on this issue.

Commentary in malay language. Apologies to overseas readers. I am using Malay just this once.

Saya seorang yang tak berapa tahu bahasa Melayu, tetapi saya akan cuba.

Sebenarnya, terdapat banyak confusion dalam hal mak nyah ni. Dalam golongan ni, banyak overlap diantara transsexual dan transvestite, terutamanya sekali bila akhbar Bahasa Inggeris selalu menggunakan perkataan transvestite tanpa pengetahuan apa ertinya.

Transsexual adalah satu sindrom yang telah dikenali dalam bidang sains sebagai condition intersex, iaitu masalah organ sex tidak ngam dengan kromosom (Sindrom Klinefelter atau Turner, xxy, xyy), psikologi (bilanan neuron dalam Limbic Neucleus seseorang adalah opposite organ sex mereka) atau biologi (2 organ sex yang berlainan, Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrom atau CAIS), 5ARD, 17BHDD dan sebagainya.

Transsexualism adalah masalah medical yang patut dibantu oleh doktor dan pakar kesihatan. Masalahnya, negara ini agak lambat dalam mendalami pengetahuan tentang sindrom ini, yang dipanggil Gender Identity Disorder.

Dan kerana itu, pengambilan hormon yang berlebihan mengakibatkan kerosakan fungsi hormon dalam badan dan seseorang transsexual itu akan setiasa dalam mood swings, panic attacks, depression dan sebagainya. Ia juga boleh mengakibatkan kerosakan limpa, otak, jantung dalam jangka masa panjang.

Transsexual adalah perempuan tetapi lain daripada yang lain disebabkan organ sex mereka disebabkan GID. Dan cure? Itu mestilah tengok doktor yang berpengalaman, lepas tu ambil ubat yang diberi oleh doktor, dan tak overdose. Kalau memang seseorang tu betul-betul transsexual, dia adakn ada surat pengesahan dari doktor untuk menjalani operation penukaran organ jantina. Tapi tiada sistem dan pengetahuan tentang transsexual dalam negara ini, jadi banyak masalah berlaku.

Juga ada golongan transvestite. Golongan ini adalah lelaki yang suka memakai baju perempuan. Golongan ini lain daripada transsexual, sebab golongan ini masih bangga dengan kelakian mereka. Ada yang sudah berkahwin pun. Ini disebabkan unsur berahi sex atau hobi.

Tidak ada satupun study sains yang ada authority, peer previewed daripada badan antarabangsa tang mengaitkan transsexual kepada mecam mana mereka growing up. Masalahnya, banyak unsur unsur bias agama Abrahamic (Christian, Islam) yang confuse the reality dan facts tentang kondisi ini. Jadi kerana kontroversi, I tak mahu komen tentang ini di sini.

Harap sekalian boleh memahami. Dengan understanding dan tiada diskriminasi, mungkin golongan kami boleh berkerja seperti human being biasa tanpa prejudis, dan bolehlah mereka hidup tanpa hina menjual badan diri mereka sendiri pada street. Or course, banyak yang ada pilihan untuk tidak membuat kegiatan terkutuk tu. Yang itu pun I tak mahu komen lah. Kalau terdesak tak ape. Tapi kalau boleh beli kereta dan masih macam tu, I of course bengang juga.

Terima kasih.

During my search, I find that most of the Malaysian tabloid media and blogs still sensationalize transgender issues, mostly not knowing anything but still talking about it, ranging from trying to demonize, to implying transgenders are lesser than human beings. This is so disgusting. Some words parroted out is like "Saya benci Mak Nyah" (I hate transgenders). Funny, they cannot even differenciate a homosexual and a transgender. And they try so hard to get the ugliest transgenders out to point something they can paint negatives on. By not having met the healthy me, I guess that proves how narrow minded many Malaysians is. Sigh, Where is my country?

Yuki's Thoughts: Homosexuals are the last to look for a girl like me for a relationship... because they want men! When you start to know this, then perhaps it is just by chance. Not.

Past Life Experience Intruding On Present Time.

This month is a meaningful month for me. Today, the last month of my probation period of the best job I will ever have in my life, commences. I will never get another job like this, and even in the midst of my struggles, I intend to fight like it is my whole life here just to keep it. And one of my struggles is still emotional. Two weeks from now, it will be the first year anniversary of separation between me and my ex-husband (usually, I would say "soon to be" because we are not divorced yet, but since he is history I will label him that).

I admit the manner he left me still sours my heart every time I think about it. Sometimes, it consumes my soul in the middle of some cold nights that I cannot sleep. He is no longer speaking out for the T community (so much for his so-called advocacy work). The last I heard from him, he claimed his cerebral palsy ex-wife is no longer under his care. Since he is a delusional jerk, I would not be surprised if they actually took her away. An overindulgent obsession of UFOs enough to abandon his only registered family is not exactly normal behaviour.

I still dream of the day I was at Suporn Clinic, then heading towards the hotel room waiting for my surgery, last year. The impact of having my surgery cancelled by my ex-husband is still felt today, and I know however I try to forget, the damage it has done to me psychologically and emotionally will take years to heal. The loss of control of my emotions and character that I have is even evident to my colleagues, especially my superior officers. They do not know exactly what happened, but I do feel embarrassed when younger workmates wonder why a 30 plus year old woman can have a confidence crisis.

The husband is gone. The new life that was promisingly presented to me by my ex-husband is gone. The ring he gave me is gone. The chance to get rid of the cancer between my thighs is also gone. And although I am recovering well from the emotional hurt and the immense pain; I never feel so hollow and empty in my life. I nearly lost myself, the part of me that is alive. Every time I remember how I used to announce with pride of having my husband by my side, I become a wreck and feel sorry that he is no more in my life. Missing out on my SRS still feels like having my nerves jerked out of me everyday.

I still have a job to do. If I can survive this probation period my soul will start recovering. But I fear losing this job, because I know I would not be able to take it. I already lost so much within one year. If I am removed from my position in this wonderful organization, I know it will kill what is left of the person I am. Because simply it is all I have left that gives me something to fight for. But it is out of my control. I need a revival in my life now, to make Julys beautiful again, to move on from what happened at Chonburi a year ago. It is time to prove my worth for the sake of finding myself again. I really need to.

An Unlikely Union.

I am not really in the mood to write these days. Surviving the probation period of my job is now a priority. After realizing the Malaysian site I write for turns out to be a leisure and puffy reading site that has nothing to do with activism and counter-voicing, I realized most of the Malaysian lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual communities are not ready to speak up as citizens of this country, but will still do the odd punch up on minor issues like one radio DJ who allegedly called a lesbian “sick”, while ignoring the demonization of LGBTs in the hands the Christianist Pursuing Liberty Under Christ who is now actively going around schools and churches parroting complete rubbish about “sexual abuse” and "Gay Agenda".

One of my regular readers Alan R said something very true a few months back, no one would ever care until they are affected by the situation. And until that happens, it is all not important to them. It is for me very saddening, considering the mechanics of the ex-gay machinery is getting vile in Malaysia and no one is responding to it. Pursuing Liberty Under Christ’s nutty director Tryphena Law then successfully went on the offensive. These are some things for you to think about, coming from a recent ex-gay conference:

There is no collective voice amongst the LGBTs. There is not even a semblance of an LGBT community. However to Pastor Tryphena Law, “The Pro-Gay Movement™ is strong in Malaysia”. Why? “Many of our young people are being drawn to them”. How? She said she saw 14 girls, between the ages of 15-16, being couples, walking around at a mall in Johor, Malaysia. For most of us who see this group of girls, they were probably just hanging around after school hours, happy with who they are, minding their own business. Little did they know, Tryphena Law would use a word to describe them: “Struggling”. Wha?!. This is just a brief look at why these Christianist groups are sickos!

It really pains me to see these groups creating an enemy out of those who still remain passive with their lives, who are just being themselves and doing nothing. And the passive ones still think we should not bother them. It is like, say, look, the bees are coming to attack us! Let us do nothing! Yes, indeed most Malaysian youth would realize the ridiculous mantra that was spoken. Unfortunately, it takes only a few confused individuals justifying more attacks, some physical, towards the LGBTs. And it takes just a few LGBTs blindly going in expecting “change” and end up having their lives wasted, or trashed.

Both sides ignores the emotional and mental anguish these false views turned into ex-gay “logic” can cause those who are still in schools, and those who are still young. Who can affirm them, once the current generation of older youth are led to believe their younger LGBT friends are somewhat “broken”, “sexually abused” etc, that ultimately something is wrong with them? And for those who do not know how to use these so-called “information”, they turn to bullying. Is this what both sides of the bridge wants?

The pamphlet from that Christianist group says it clearly, “No one is born a homosexual”. There are so much lies, deception and misrepresentation attached to this sentence, and tons of ways to dismantle this crap statement. But it is useless if these false prophets continue to be allowed to disseminate such discriminative and prejudicial bullshit without any counter arguments with all the facts that already shows the real truth, and our side just sits back and do nothing but just talk about our sex and our interests and some upcoming event. What will happen thereafter? I do not know. I no longer wish to know, because I see many will leave this country anyway, giving up hope. And some, like me, would probably be left behind to endure all the things that are going to come our way. LGBT? No such thing here I guess.

The Golden Girls Gives Us Some Things To Think About.

The Golden Girls is known to be one of the most progressive shows of the 80s.

Looking at these two videos, it is not hard to see why.






There are a lot of lessons we can take in this life. But first, let us start with love.

Note: Beatrice Arthur, who played Dorothy Zbornak in the show, recently died of cancer on April 25th of this year, at the age of 86. She had been a firm supporter of LGBT equality and rights, and also left an unforgetable legacy of comedy and human rights. She will be missed. Rest In Peace.