Another New Beginning For Me?

I have an unusual feeling today. I suddenly am able to pump some petrol into my car, reload my almost out of credit handphone and fix my two pair of shoes at the cobbler. I also finally went to the clinic to check on the bruising blood clot I got on my right thigh since a month ago. And tomorrow, instead of starting work first, I plan to go to the University Malaya Medical Centre (okay, I admit, I am finally seeing a shrink for my depression, please support me and do not think I am crazy or something. Hope it is cheap, and non-discriminative too). If everything goes well, I will start work right after Hari Raya.

And I am here updating my blog. And I must admit, I owe all these positive movements to some of the readers and friends from Tilted World. This is all grace actually, I do not deserve any of this; not when others like me are being killed by hate crimes at an alarming rate across the globe. Not when others like me around the world are still being victims of stigma and discrimination, that causes them to be without choice but to turn to the sex trade as an extra income, especially those transwomen of colour. Being in such conditions before, I admit I am not that strong. And I do still reserve many thoughts to them.

The truth is I feel shy and embarrassed with this donation drive. This is my first time I come out like this, seeking mercy at the hands of people I do not know so well. But the responses itself was surprising, all of the donors were supportive and non-judgemental of me, and they do not make me feel like a beggar. And most of them are writers and bloggers too, mostly advocates of free speech with some concentrating on a single issue like human rights while some go into multiple issues that stretches into politics. And reading their blogs before, I know these are trully experienced people I can learn from.

After an active day, and then another one tomorrow, I know I would be fast broke again. But it is important for me to solve my immediate issues, and perhaps in these two days of Hari Raya holidays, I can really consider whether I really wish to go into home loan insurance line full force, or to seek a stable good income employment as one of my friends seriously advised me. Perhaps it is just the part of me that just wants to fight back, pulling myself together through this period of depression and trying to put up a big direction; to save as much money as possible soon for the full Sex Reassignment Surgery.
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The Story.

There is a misconception I feel I have the responsibility to address in regards to the recent Donation Drive organized here at my blog. There have been some good responses so far, while at the same time it seems people do not really catch what I need to solve my immediate problems at this moment. Perhaps it is best I explain what happened from the middle of this year until now so that everyone can have clearer picture on what kind of assistance, donations and help I need right now and the reason to it.

I was, at the month of June, ready to go for my Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) at Chonburi, Thailand. Me and my husband's plans were simple, he would move from Darwin, Northern Territory in Australia to Perth. Then after spending my last months in Malaysia, I would join him at Perth before Christmas Eve. My husband was supporting me all the way, there were no problems to be seen at that juncture. By the time I reach Perth, I should supposedly be a fully recovered MTF from my SRS, and all woman.

I had everything going on. I already arrived at Chonburi, Thailand last June the 23rd. I am ready for my surgery. Then on the 24th, my husband then suddenly wanted to break up with me. Then on the 25th, he actually attempted to cancel my surgery. By the 26th, the verdict was a postponement; but by then it was already the end. There was no way I can go for this surgery because my husband was paying for it, and the Administrator, obviously a fellow countrymen, was siding him all the time, to the point she still insists my husband was a good man. I am clueless then, I only know I had lost my SRS and my hubby.

No decent man would not accompany his wife to a major surgery, let alone leave his wife on a foreign soil with nothing! No good man would promise forever to his wife, only to leave her after she had arrived in a foreign country, 6 days before a major surgery scheduled! No loving man would entice the MTF wife with the promise of SRS, but cancel it 5 days before the operation! That was all my friend's verdict on him. It kills me again and again, but that is reality. And it bit me so much until I felt really numb, but I knew I need to be back to Malaysia. I knew, I knew I had no time to be depressed. An uncertain future awaits.

So I arrived back in Malaysia on the 2nd of July. I got back my car which my former employer was keeping for me. I quickly rushed to Robson Heights where my friend decided to let me stay at his place in Kristal Court. I was there for a month. I spent my time there between sobbing and exercising and surfing the net and writing articles and having depression. In between, my task to look for a job began. My resume was churned out, my jobstreet profile updated, newspaper classifieds are out. I did not manage to get a single interview within that period of July but I did manage to land myself into trouble.

I was unable to secure a place to stay because I do not have enough money with me, and my friends are NOT helping. So I am dependent on my going to be former husband to secure me a last allowance. That happened at around the beginning of August. By that time I already have to move out of my friend's place. Since I had no place to go, and without a place to stay, and none of my friends wish to let me bunk in with them, I had to stay in a hotel. It was then I called my pastor from an LGBT affirming church. He recommended me to a friend who was supposed to meet me (and he only done so a week later). That was a BIG mistake.

That was a week passed. I was losing money staying at the hotel, and I already paid for my car issues. And I needed to reserve some money for the rent for the room. He finally met me, and promised to let me have a look at that place a few days later. A few days was a long time, because when I finally took a look at that place, it was already two weeks. And contrary to what he had promised me, the place was not ready! It was supposed to have everything, and ended up it had nothing. I was so pissed off at him.

Okay, I had enough of waiting. Giving face to my pastor for two weeks is too much. I need to be selfish. I scrambled to the best area I could find within one day, and found a place in UEP Subang Jaya. After giving the deposit and rental, I have only a thousand plus Ringgit left. It was then the sinking feeling began. I managed to have a friend help me salvage my car for another two months, but that was it. I was alone. And as usual some from my own Christian group refused to help me, stating that to help me would only make me worse (chinese saying). Now I realised really what bullshit this is. It was just a selfish excuse. And it was an indoctrinated virtue there.

But goody, after over 60 attempts at jobs and 2 interviews, I had a job for an agricultural investment firm W-----. So all I needed to do was to wait for the letter of employment and name cards. At the same time I also was interviewed by SV (under ING) that deals with home loan insurance. But both are non basic jobs. But I knew if I wanted to get back my life, I have to go for the high commission. I KNOW I can do it. So I choose W----- at first. But again, the wait. After 1 week, I called the boss SC, he told me he will get back to me after meeting the HR. Then it became 2 weeks. I called to E, a sales person who recommended me the job. She said this is an INTERNATIONAL company therefore I HAVE to WAIT.

So independence day passed (31/8), and it is now September. I had rent to pay. So I decided to ask my friend to help me pay the two months rental up front. I gave him the cash. Another STUPID mistake. He disappeared. Hahaha. I am an incredible friend to everyone, but no one can do the same for me. With what remains of my cash I was dealt with another blow. W----- International had the cheek to not call me, and instead the boss there SC SMSed to me that they are unable to take me in as their sales person. Almost 3 weeks of wait and I have to read this crap from the so-called INTERNATIONAL company?

Okay fine. It is not my waste, it is theirs. I am on fire. I got the tools. I got the talent. So I settled with the company SV. Then my problems became worse. I am almost out of money. After going for the first “training” I already do not have petrol to go far, let alone eat. So I have no choice but to work in a pub. Yet another STUPID mistake. The boss there is so stingy, some bottles of whisky's which supposedly I opened the bill do not have my name at the 'sold by' column. He is attempting to rob half of my commission. My basic pay is only there if I manage to ask customers to spend me two super overpriced vodka limes.

Then my problems compounded, I vomited blood after 10 days at the job. And I realized my liver problems are back. So not wanting to jeopardize my health, and since the pub owner is a cheater, I quit. That was when I decided to start this donation campaign. In between the period at Thailand till now, there are friends here and there chipping me the odd 50 or 100 Ringgit. But that is precisely the problem. Those are only a few friends. And that only solved the food problems. My other immediate problems are hanging there in front of my face as I wake up everyday. Which is why I need the help.

What I need now is a collection of a lump sum so that I am able to solve the immediate problems I mentioned. Then I will run my own business that I had planned for quite some time alongside the home loan insurance under SV-ING. At the same time my advocacy work will continue. But I need to be on my feet first. Hence this donation campaign. I have been getting funny replies after the campaign was announced on Tilted World today. One even ask me if I wish to work with my sisters at ISETAN, but another gave me a brilliant idea on trying to get my blogsite advertised. Okay, straight up. Between now and the next few months, depending on how much cash influx I have, only these two can happen.

Either, from not being able to fix my shoes to not being able to eat, my car finally gets towed. I am also finally evicted. I probably will stay in the shelter, and because I still need money I WOULD work at ISETAN. Because of mounting debts caused by my ex-fiance, in addition to my car being auctioned but I still have to pay a surmountable amount of money to the bank, I probably cannot afford to. I will then be declared bankrupt. But no worries, there is still the ISETAN job that pays me what they pay most Bangla and Myanmar workers. Probably could not afford to make ends meet let alone hormones in this economy, so I am stuck with my sisters at Jalan CK facing HIV risks everyday, unless some rich man wants to keep me as a lover.

Or, I got the cash I needed to start what I have been trying to start since last month, that is a sales and service based business I envisioned that includes the home loan insurance. I am evicted, but got another place to stay. My car which was two months overdue was finally paid for. I fixed my shoes! I am not eating that much because I choose to not do so for my diet, not because I am forced to. I finally can discuss with AKPK on how to solve my 4 year old credit problems and manage my finances. I am coming of age blogging for LGBT advocacy, and finally starting to write my book. My life begins!

My life now hangs on the balance this 2 extreme pendulum motions. I must say it was partially my fault getting into this mess. I should not have let myself be cheated so many times, especially by my ex-fiance (my last girlfriend) 4 years ago. And also in the relationship with my soon to be ex-husband, I should have saved as much as possible with every cent he gave me. It is my foolishness in thinking he will always be there to look after me. I believed that, for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, till death do us part. I did not save enough of what he gave me because I thought he would always be there. I am really too much of a stupid dumb girl.

So this is my story for the past few months. At least now you can see the clearer picture, like why I cannot simply get any job and work first. I risk putting myself into the sinking hole directly, which seriously, everyone would want to die first from dropping inside. It is because I am tied to a stupid Malaysian made car that has no re-sell value, plus my bank debts. I have to negotiate this very carefully but fast, but I need your help and assistance if you can give it. Give as much as you want and can. It is not good to be at the mercy of people like this, but I do not have a choice. Hope this clears all the air now.

(For those wiling to donate via transfer from overseas, please e-mail to yuki.choe@yahoo.com on SWIFT code or Western Union transfers; or for other details. Thank you.)

Love & Hugs, Yuki.
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The Best From The Archives Of "The Journey Of Yuki" - Yuki's Funnies: The History Of Michael Jackson's Face.

In conjuction with the death of the King Of Pop; to honour his good memory and incredible legacy in music and entertainment, this post has been removed. Thank you. - Yuki.

Gone.

The donation drive was slow, and my friend from the US was unable to send funds to me on time. I exhausted my options, so I had indulged myself in some unhealthy activity. That is, to sell my stuff. It is truly an uneasy feeling dumping things at so low prices people would think I am crazy. Unfortunately the old saying goes, beggars cannot be choosers. And when something is bought for around RM 698 and you have to sell it at only RM 90 for the sake of food, petrol, and to write here at this blogspot, the heart really cracks. But then you know that you have to do it for the sake of living a few more days.

I Admit, I Am A Loser To A Seven Year Old.

Her name is Jazz. She is just 7 years old. She speaks with the maturity beyond her years. Instead of being confused by her surroundings, she does not need anyone telling her who she is, she knows.

She was asked whether it is okay to be different.

Her end quote was extraordinary.

“it doesn't matter if you're having a good time and like who you are.”



While many fundamentalists may condemn her for being herself, and some may even accuse her parents of “indulging” in her “fantasies”, I applaud the courage of Jazz, and the efforts of her parents to accept her just as the way she is. How I wish I had this conviction when I was a child and never let anyone impose upon me their own dogmatic views. I wasted a good part of my years and growth because of it. And mostly, how I wish my parents impart within me the same values that Jazz's parents gave to her; to love herself. Such a value that should be shared among every trans person on this earth.

Yuki thanks Zoe Brain for having this video.

Update: Yuki's Life And LGBT Advocacy Donation Drive.

This is an update on the ongoing donation drive. Thus far, it has gathered $346.75 US dollars from five individuals the past 2 days. And all of them notable people indeed. These updates will be up periodically.

One of them is a Christian sister from the UK, who's partner is a transsexual, from the United Kingdom; and I am truly touched when she and her partner left me message of love and support here.

One of them is an LGBT photographer who is with the organization “CT Transadvocacy Coalition” (www.transadvocacy.org). Check out his incredible rainbow blessed photos at ”Crazy Dog Photography” (http://www.crazydogphotos.com).

One of them is an ex-ex-gay advocate from the United States.

One of them is a fellow transsexual advocate! She is a rocket scientist from down under, Australia, and I will always remember how she dismantled every pseudo-scientific theories presented to her recently at “Pursuing Holiness”. In the attempts by Laura to point transsexuals as delusional, this transsexual sister of mine made Laura look delusional instead. That conversation itself, is a great learning curve for me.

One of them is a Christian gay affirming brother from Malta.

All donor's names will be revealed (except when prompted not to) along with their location country and websites (if any, and except when prompted not to) at the middle of every month at the donations column.

I like to offer my sincere thanks to this five, and also to the future ones that are supporting my cause. This full donation drive will be ongoing until I solved all the gigantic rocks that stand in my way. I pray I can spend my Christmas eve with all burdens lifted, and celebrate my birthday in March having a life.

(For those who wish to donate by transfer from overseas banks, please e-mail to yuki.choe@yahoo.com for SWIFT code and other details. Thank you. Love & Hugs, Yuki.)
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Yuki's Life And LGBT Advocacy Donation Drive.

It is not something I am comfortable of doing, but looking at the circumstances I know I need to accept help before falling back into obscurity. I am now really in a tight struggle, and the job employment market had been tremendously slow due to the current unstable political situation in Malaysia. Adding to that, choices are not on my side being a transsexual living at these times in this somewhat intolerant environment. Currently, I do not have any ideas to work with, and time is running out for me here.

At the request of my good friend in the United States, I have recently opened a PayPal account. I have been reluctant to do so because of the problem in my country, Malaysia, being left behind in the knowledge of such facilities. Unlike in the United States where PayPal links directly to the bank account, here we have to depend on a transfer to a VISA debit card, which we then withdraw the funds through the ATM. I am now in the process of registering for two debit cards, and praying for the best.

So I therefore humbly appeal to all my fellow LGBT advocates, friends and readers throughout the world, to please donate for my survival here; and when things are better, for my advocacy work. I would place your name (unless you request to remain anonymous), website if any, and your country of origin along with your figure for transparency. Your help is important to me as I strive to live on. I am the only out transsexual female blogger and a full LGBT advocate in my country, and will continue so.

As such, I am now a staff to the LGBT community, especially the ex-gay survivors. I hope to soon write for Ex-Gay Watch on a regular basis. I have the ambition to one day be in the position to hold talks, seminars, or join my other brothers and sisters across this region to affirm and strengthen the LGBT community through events that they hold. I am itching to continue writing, advocating and standing up for all LGBTs in Asia and the world after I solved my crisis and all my immediate problems; so your financial assistance, with continuous love and support, is gratefully appreciated.

I would also like to give my awesome thanks to a dear LGBT brother in the US who do not wish to be named. He kept up my heart fighting by not only becoming my first donor, but also his encouragement in my circumstances really have touched me. Right now in the midst of my broken spirit, his love reminds me that I am still a significant and important enough person to live on and continue to speak up on behalf of the community. If there is an opportunity, would really love to hug him. Take care.

For those who wish to donate by transfer from overseas banks, please e-mail to yuki.choe@yahoo.com for SWIFT code and other details. Thank you. Love & Hugs, Yuki.
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What Makes A Person Gay #1: Alan Chambers.

What Makes A Person Gay?

Alan Chambers says -

MTV, Uncle Ben's Rice TV commercial, public and private school systems... TV and music... the latter two even caused kids as young as nine to get involved with internet pornography....

What About It?

Okay, I am going to take back my words on how easy it would be for a transsexual female like me to get a job now as last mentioned in my previous post. W----- International had turned me down, exactly two weeks after they invited me to go for three days of training to be set at a later date, asked me to pay for the printing of my name cards and portfolio, and to collect leads and contacts. I should have seen it coming from their Division Manager who interviewed me, who was slightly disturbed and questioning of my gender.

Well, I had done my part and have a lot of leads for my sales, with him promising to call me back. But after more than a week of silence, an SMS yesterday telling me that they cannot offer me a sales job got me really angry indeed. This is a non-basic salary and high commission based job. They got nothing to lose by taking me in especially in my fiery mood after being dumped by my husband. A good look at my face and they can see PERFORMANCE written all over my eyes. But alas they think I am not good enough.

But I guess it is okay though. I am used to be segregated along with those other transsexuals who may or may not be a threat to any organizations by simply existing. The irony that I could have made a mark almost immediately, especially with the contacts I have and the fire that exist in my soul to go out there and prove my worth. But I guess people are really that afraid that a girl like me that they overlook the good in me; my very presence which is a good asset in sales because people will always remember me wherever I go.

Yep, so called (really so-called) international company. If I report this, their international human rights ratings will go down the sewers. But that is life. I received that irony filled SMS in the evening. That morning itself I had already accepted another job on freelance being a mortgage broker. Oh yes, the fire is still there. I will make sure that kind company that let me represent them get the best of me. But I guess there would be friendly faces and not so nice ones everywhere you go in this stereotypical society.

For example, my own community. I am really tired of people asking me the wrong questions. Even today, the question from my pastor really made me feel like tearing my ear holes in apart. “Can you do a drag show instead for the anniversary dinner? K-- may not be available”. I again, for unknown times, have to remind him again that I am not dragging. Puh-leese. I am a transsexual female. Not a transvestite. How can I drag when I am already wearing something that is for my gender identity?

Is it important? Reading “Questioning Transphobia” these days may prove it to be of utter importance. Representation. HBS women (excuse the new term I am using here), that is born out of life as normal as any transsexual women, only to disown the transsexual community by stating they are somewhat “special ones” that joins female trans-bashers in excluding people like me in their circle, all the way to the washroom. And the female trans-bashers themselves think that my womanhood do not exist. Duh.

Gender Identity is what is going to make or break me. A MTF transsexual is female and a transvestite is male. That is the difference between me and a certain singing pastor proclaiming he once dressed as a girl. The difference between looking as a girl and pretending as a girl. It is as contrasting as a person like me having a disgusting mutation called a dick and another person proud to make their dick bigger. So when these “international” companies right down to my own pastor cannot understand it, I could faint.

I cannot blame them though. Society had made themselves in such a way people are too engrossed with the penis and a vagina. I wonder if my interviewer would be less hesitant with me should I be a very large sized person who looks like a man but was born with a vagina. People actually think with their dicks and vagina these days mind you again. Without it there would not be a sodomy case or even any sex. Without it there would not even be a boy or a girl. Or even HIV/AIDS. That is my cue. Do spirits have a dick or a puss?

That is exactly why the Bible says, in heaven there is no male or female. So why is it that important now?
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